May 2001

My Free Lunch
Making a Scene

Is this a script, or a transcript? Did this really happen, or have I just written a scene for an upcomming Evil Robots Broadway production? Our legal department has advised me to keep my mouth shut and let the readers decide for themselves.

Godzilla: "That's got to be the most amoral and socially irresponsible thing I ever heard. Please do me a favor and never speak to me again."

Other Guy: "What?"

Godzilla: "You heard me, motherfucker."

Other Guy: "Excuse me, sir?"

Godzilla: "What?"

Other Guy: "So, yes or no to fries, buddy?"

Godzilla: "I think Grimace is a pederast."

Other Guy: "What?"

Godzilla: "Grimace is molesting children!" (yelled to the rest of restaurant, while flailing arms overhead)

Other Guy: "Sir? Please don't disturb the other customers."

Godzilla: "And let this tragedy continue? You want disturbed? I'll give you disturbed, asshole. Parents! Grimace is a child molester. He wants nothing more than to spill his "milkshake" all over you child's face!"

Other Guy: "Excuse me sir, be you're either going to have to calm down or I will have to ask you to leave."

Godzilla: "Oh, I'm sorry. But I think Early Bird might be a psychotic dominatrix. But only because Grimace spent most of the 80's pounding her in the ass 2 or 3 times a day."

Other Guy: "I'm sure. So, yes or no to the fries, pal?"

Godzilla: "And that motherfucking Mayor of McDonald's Land? Oh, he's is in on it. McCheese has been covering this scandalous behavior up for decades. Pure fucking graft. I see it all so clearly right before my very eyes!"

Other Guy: "Please, sir."

Godzilla: "Say, isn't today the Hamburglar's birthday?"

Other Guy: "What?"

Godzilla: "Doesn't that mean my meal is free?"

Other Guy: "I don't think so."

Godzilla: (intensely focused stare of blind rage)

Other Guy: "Sir?"

Godzilla: (intensely focused stare of blind rage, twitching)

Other Guy: "Here, just take it. Take it and get out of here. Courtesy of Ronald McDonald."

Godzilla: "Sucker."