October 2003

Miramax buys rights to the Valerie Plame Story-Jennifer Garner, Luke Wilson to Star
Fearless Reporter Scoop

Movie studio Miramax has won exclusive rights to make the Valerie Plame story a movie, and production is beginning even while the ink is wet on the multi-million dollar deal. Rumor has it that Jennifer Garner has agreed to play Ms. Plame, the undercover CIA expert whose identity was revealed by an evil journalist with ties to the Bush Administration, as a means to get revenge on her heroic husband, Ambassador Joseph Wilson IV, who exploded the Nigeria-Iraq uranium hoax.

The Ambassador will be played by Luke Wilson, and Ms. Plame's supportive but mysterious boss will be played by Scott Glenn. The part of the evil journalist will be played by Joss Ackland, the actor best known for his portrayal of the evil South African diplomat in Lethal Weapon II.

As a special to the Fearless Reporter, we have been able to obtain parts of the script, which is being written by Hank McHackerson, the famed Hollywood screenwriter to the stars. The excerpts follow below.

FADE IN

Interior

Conference Table

Captain Heston McKnight (Scott Glenn)
W M Ds. Who, why, how, what, and where are they. We've GOT to find them! Our national credibility could be at risk! Does anyone know anything? Anyone?
Slams the table with his open palm.

Valerie Plame
(pluckily) I think I might know the answer.

Captain:
Plame, you're just a lowly member of the team. Shouldn't you be getting somebody coffee?

Valerie:
Sir!

Captain:
Go ahead, Plame. I need answers, and I'll take them from anyone. Right now if a mime walked in and mimicked that the WMDs were locked up in a glass cage that they can't get out of, I'd take it. Because it's a goshdarned answer! And we got too many questions! The White House is breathing down our necks, and we got to come up with something! You got something to tell us, Plame?

Valerie:
Well, sir, yes…

Captain:
Spit it out!

Valerie:
All of my research indicates…

Captain:
We know you've done a lot of research, Plame, that's your job.

Valerie:
Well, I think I can make a convincing case that WMDs stand for…

Captain:
Stand for what, Plame, for what!

Valerie:
Weapons of Mass Destruction, sir.

A hush falls over the room…the Captain is visibly searching for words…

Captain:
That's goddamned…that's goddamned genius, Plame, you've broken this case wide open!

Valerie:
I have? Looks around the room to nods and smiles. She beams.

Captain:
Johnson, you're out. Plame, you're my new team leader. Which means you may have to go undercover. You need a code name.

Valerie:
What is it, sir?

Captain:
Your new code name is SIS. Got it?

Valerie:
SIS?

Captain:
Yes, that's right. Now don't let me down, SIS.

Valerie:
I won't, Sir.

Captain:
Now, who wants to play Connect 4? How about you, SIS?

Valerie:
I have to let you know, Sir, I'm pretty sneaky at this game.

Captain:
Pretty sneaky, huh, SIS? Forget it. I don't want to play with you. I don't like sneaks. Especially here at the CIA. All right, let's get to work!

(A big part of the story is the loving relationship between the Ambassador and his beloved wife.)

Ambassador:
Hello, my love.

Valerie:
Joe, you've come home, my dear
They kiss.

Valerie:
What did you find

Ambassador:
It's all a hoax. A pretext by our government to enter into a war of choice.

Valerie:
But we must stop them!

Ambassador:
We must, but at the ballot box, my dear.

Valerie:
But we can't wait that long!

Ambassador:
We must, dear, we must.
They hug passionately.

Valerie:
Joseph? There is something I have to tell you.

Ambassador:
What is it, my dear?

Valerie:
I got promoted.

Ambassador:
Wonderful!

Valerie:
But there's a downside…

Ambassador:
What is it?

Valerie:
I may have to go undercover. So they gave me a code name.

Ambassador:
So?

Valerie:
It's SIS.

Ambassador:
Oh. Interesting.

Valerie:
Dear, I know you'll understand, but for the next few days, until I'm used to it, will you call me by my code name only? No Valerie, no honey cakes, no dearie, just…

Ambassador:
SIS.

Valerie:
Yes.

Ambassador:
Okay.
They take a step back from each other and stand awkwardly.

Ambassador:
Guess what I brought back with me from Nigeria?

Valerie:
Whatever did you bring?

Ambassador:
Mint tea. And lots of it.

Valerie:
But honey, you know how I feel about caffeine…and there's practically no room in the kitchen for the boxes at all!

Ambassador:
But dear, it tastes so damn good. You know how it tastes?

Valerie:
How?

Ambassador:
Minty. It tastes minty. Get it?

Valerie:
Uhhh….

Ambassador:
Just like it's spelled. It tastes just like it's spelled. Minty…Mint tea.

Valerie:
But honey, you're just playing on words…words can't taste like anything. But, a word can sound like what it describes…that's called onomatopoeia.

Ambassador:
Babe, I mean SIS, what do they teach you at the CIA? You're a genius.

Valerie:
Thanks, love. They embrace. Now I have to think up a code name for you.

Ambassador:
How about Bro?

Valerie:
That's creepy.

Ambassador:
Right. Well, SIS, now that you're a super secret spy, why don't we do a little undercover work in the bedroom. What do you say, SIS? Just me and you, under the covers…

Valerie:
Not, now, dear. I'm just not feeling it.

Ambassador:
But SIS!

Valerie:
Okay, okay. Don't call me SIS anymore. It's too weird.

Ambassador:
I love you, Valerie

Valerie:
And I love you, Ambassador Joseph Wilson the fourth.

They kiss, and crawl under the covers.

(Meanwhile, the evil journalist is visited by an evil friend.)

Senior Administration Official:
Have I got a scoop for you!

Evil Journalist: Strokes a cat.
Vat ees it?

Senior Administration Official:
You know that jakeleg that proved the hoax wrong?

Evil Journalist:
Yes…I dooo…

Senior Administration Official:
Well, his wife is an undercover CIA operative.

Evil Journalist:
Soooo?

Senior Administration Official:
Put her name in the paper, that will blow her cover, and then we'll use it as an excuse to eliminate her and send Little Joe a little message.

Evil Journalist:
Vat ees in eet for me?

Senior Administration Official:
A billion krugerand…and…

Evil Journalist:
Yes…

Senior Administration Official:
Guess.

Evil Journalist:
Vat I have alvays vanted?

Senior Administration Official:
You got it.

Evil Journalist:
Deep-lo-ma-tic ee-mun-ee-tee?

Senior Administration Official:
Yes indeed.

Evil Journalist:
I vill do eet.

Senior Administration Official:
Why do you have plastic on the floor?

Evil Journalist:
Oh, vee are simplee remodeling. Nothing more.

Senior Administration Official:
We? I thought you worked alone?

Evil Journalist:
Now I do. Shoots the senior administration official with a gun he had concealed. My sources are alvays vell placed…in an unmarked grave! Va ha ha ha ha ha ha