January 2005

Have You Seen the New Letter People?

By T-Wilson
Guest Contributor

A friend and I were talking about Letter People at lunch today and she used her Google-fu to come up with a listing of the new and improved Letter People. If you didn't have these when you were a kid, they were little plastic inflatable people shaped like letters of the Alphabet. The teacher would play a record and the Letter person would sing a song and give you a lesson about their letter. It was all very exciting to a 5-year-old.

Anyway, they have been updated. You can see a listing here: http://clow.ipsd.org/academics_k_letter-people.html Some of these seemed ridiculous to me, so I wrote her this back. Please feel free to use this on Evilrobots if you find it funny/offensive!

Oh my. I can't decide whether the Letter People have gone completely PC or just completely wrong!

OLD v/s NEW

Miss = Ms.
OK, not controversial; no one uses Miss anymore. But worth noting.

Mr. C Cotton Candy = Mr. C Colossal Cap
We can't be encouraging our fat ass kids to be eating cotton candy, now can we? Heaven forbid.

Mr. D Delicious Doughnuts = Mr. D Dazzling Dance
We traded All American doughnuts (friend to cops and Homer Simpsons everywhere) for some guy who dances dazzlingly? Has anyone alerted Jerry Falwell to this???

MR. F Funny Feet = MS. F Funny Feet
By changing Funny Feet from male to female, are we now encouraging young girls to develop body image problems???

Mr. H Horrible Hair = Mr. H Happy Hair
Must. Stay. POSITIVE.

Miss I Incredible Inventor = Mr. I Impossible Inches
Not only did we get rid of a positive female role model, the Incredible Inventor, but we are also supposed to understand that Letter people are now HUNG???? Maybe Miss I Invented all those penis growth formulas that I hear about in my email inbox. I'm sure women and kindergarteners everywhere thank her.

Mr. J Jumbled Junk = Ms. J Jingle Jingle Jacket
Must. STAY. POSITIVE. If Fred G. Sanford were alive today, he'd be rolling in his grave.

Mr. K Kicking = Ms. K Kaboom Kick
What is the difference between a typical violent male and a figure of female empowerment? KABOOM!

Mr. Lemon Lollipops = Ms. L Longest Laugh
No. More. Candy!!! Geesh, we must have been some sugar addled kids back then.

Miss O Optimist = Mr. O Opposite
Another positive female role model removed for what? Some guy who acts all contrary all the time?

Mr. R Ripping Rubberbands = Mr. R Rainbow Ribbons
Oh, Jerry! If the Rev. Falwell thought Tinkie Winkie was bad, wait 'til he sees Mr. Rainbow Ribbons!

MR. T Tall Teeth = MS. T Tall Teeth
Maybe there was a trademark issue here with The Real Mr. T (tm). I pity tha fool with tall teeth.

Mr. V Velvet Vest = Ms. V Vegetable Vest
I swear if you google "vegetable vest" you'll end up on a porn site of some sort. These people are disgusting.

Mr. W Winking = Ms. W Wonderful Words
Well, finally they replaced that old pervert Mr. W with a positive female role model. Too bad she talks too damn much.

Mr. X Mixed Up = Mr. X Different
MUST. STAY. POSITIVE. What does different have to do with X??? Oh, Jerry! Jerry, you fat fuck! Look what the letter people are up to now!

Mr. Y Yawning = MS. Y Yodeling Yawn
No, ma'am, I wasn't yawning. I was yodeling. No really. I was.

Mr. Z Zipping Zippers = Mr. Z Zipping Zippers
Ah, nice to see that some things stay the same. Even the perverts.

(You can find out more about Mr. Wilson at www.twilson.com)