"Served until last call":
'tater skins, nachos, cheese sticks.
"Our late-nite menu".
"Get back on your feet",
"turn that frown upside-down". Bah.
Leave; "Knight Rider"'s on.
I double dare you.
Ask the "Hooters" girl for a
chicken 'breast' sandwich.
Twenty-plus years here
and I just now discovered
The Video Vault.
Take it from me folks:
Sambuca and Budweiser
should never be mixed.
Most people say that
they have sweet tooths. Not me, though.
I have a beer tooth.
On St. Patrick's Day
"everyone's Irish". Call me
Pablo McSanchez.
Some people call me
Maurice, others, 'Chimpy', but
what's a pompatus?
True happiness is
losing count of how many
beers you've had to drink.
If you want to stay
alive, don't give me beer and
darts at the same time.
Diaphonous wife-
beater, sweatpants and reefer;
Yeah, 'COPS' has it all.
Entertainment is
watching Wilford Brimley try
to do a sit-up.
I need a barf bag
when I think of Ed Asner
wearing spandex shorts.
Cold, dark looks; sharp eyes;
a penchant for strong drinks: I'm
the fat man's James Bond.
Monkeys flinging poo
are even funnier than
Bill Shatner's hairpiece.
Great euphemisms:
slap the duck, box the sausage,
throttle the giraffe.
If only I had
bad hair, I'd be a latter
day Chuck Woolery.
It's widely known that
if I grow a Van Dyke, I'll
be Evil Chimpy.
Nothing kills a buzz
faster than thinking of Rue
MacLanahan nude.
The true opiate
of the masses is really
good samba music.
Just like Chris Farley's
'Foley', I live in a van
down by the river.
I fear very few
things, but the Mazda "Zoom Zoom"
kid scares me to death.
A beer from Utah
named "Polygamy Porter";
drink it with your wives.
First there's Mandy Moore,
then Britney Spears is out there.
Must I boycott films?
With a mouthful of
"circus peanuts", it's hard to
enunciate well.
|
"Keep those legs high, now!"
Two-man luge competition
fills me with questions.
Spandex-clad lugers
hurtle quickly down the ice.
Two guys on a sled?
Bright Spandex bullets
racing down the icy track;
Call them "Doubles Luge".
Stupid sport with brooms...
Curling, eh? More like "hurling".
Fucking Scottish stone.
Ice Dancin' fellas;
I must be told their secrets
for wearing Spandex.
The razor-sharp skates
worn by short-track speed skaters
can slice you up, boy.
Salt Lake City games;
What? No team sports like "scripture"
or "polygamy"?
"Luge" sounds a lot like
"lube", thus conjuring up some
scary image.
A well-spent Tuesday
night: watching the Olympics
after lots of beer.
Useless Olympic
sports include: curling, doubles
luge, and ice dancing.
Cool Olympic games
consist of getting airborne,
skiing, and shooting.
The biathalon
can be made much cooler by
adding live targets.
"Bobsled" or "Bobsleigh"?
Does it matter? They still steer
with nothing but string.
You'd have to dope me
up or shackle me down to
do that ski jumping.
I won't award you
the gold, silver, or the bronze.
You've won the "puke green".
Rejected winter
events: yellow snow-eating,
and doubles frostbite.
Olympic hockey:
The NHL divided...
For whom shall I root?
Grotesquely huge thighs,
spandex, and sharp racing skates
a speed skater makes.
If only I had
corporate sponsors, they'd be
A.A. and Guinness.
Limber ice skatin'
ladies from around the world:
give Chimpy a call...
Sanctimonious
ill-bred, sycophant-hoarding
monkey-cunt twat bitch.
Here outside, I smoke
a choice H. Upmann cigar.
Hazy blue tendrils...
Fuckable Sentra;
John's molten silver car begs
for my hot beef rod.
Grab a hold of the
thatch-like hairpiece, Joe Perry!
"Nik's Vette" kicks my ass.
|
