Last-minute shopping
St. Nick up on your rooftop
Hand me that 12-gauge

Winter season trends
shopping, drinking on the rise
400 percent

Spin the clay dreidel
Burn the yule, light the candles
Extra-rummed eggnog

Tim Allen's Santa
Kelsey Grammer is St. Nick
Inexcusable

The real Three Wise Men
Come they not from far-off lands
Larry, Moe, and Curly

Thermometers drop
Dirty slush is cleared away
Put on the kettle

Holiday music
Local stations belt them out
24/7

My claymation friends
A Rankin-Bass production
Rudolph and Santa

Snow- and Heatmiser
Tall, toothy Winter Warlock
The stuff of bad dreams

Linus explains it all
Charlie and the gang look on
Christmastime is here

Swallow the fruitcake
Gather with friends, kith, and kin
Don't at the Ice Melt(R)

Home for vacation
Relatives and friends in town
Beer drinking goes up

Frost the cake, bake the pies
The turkey is succulent
Wine at 10 A.M.

Brick-hard fruitcake logs
Eight packs of socks and stiff slacks
Another bad yule

Look at all that trim
Rock around my Christmas tree
Unwrap my present

Booze makes my nose red
Reindeer flying high on bud
Rudolph's a hard drunk

In my neighborhood
Carolers demand hard drinks
'Course, they sing James Brown

Aunt Doris griping
Cousin Jimmy smokes a bowl
At least the weed's green

Candy canes, yule logs
Happy phallic Holidays
Menorah candles

Roast my tender nuts
I will not nip at your nose
Elves are standing by

Tasting the season
Just lick my peppermint stick
And butter my roll

Common promises
Lose weight, stop smoking, don't drink
Stop raping the sheep

Make a champagne toast
Empty your filled flute quickly
Hit on boss' wife

Count down with Dick Clark
Amazing pact with Satan
Will this be the year?

No one's safe around me
Right at the stroke of midnight
I begin stroking

Noise makers and booze
Cops, confetti, and champagne
It's still cold outside

'02? Now '03
Just a number anyways
Strap yourselves in tight

'Twas once in April
But January's winter
Spring's a time for "Fools"?

Steamed breath rings it in
Drink in hand, black sky above
A chilled, brand new year

Horns and confetti
More subpar "musical acts"
Damn. Just start the year

A battle of wills
Father Time, Baby New Year
Bend over, Old Man

Visit from the cops
Too many neighbors complained
Snowman with a dick

Humor's relative
Naked snowangel making?
Unacceptable!

Time for your present
I enter wearing nothing
Just a big, red bow

Bright pointsettias
Ruby-red "Nochebuenas"
Eating them's fatal

Rankin-Bass crap
Winter means bad TeeVee shows
All right, I dig them

Forget the chestnuts
Don't throw any more wood on
*My* nuts are roasting

Ice-enveloped streets
People don't know how to drive
Might as well stay home

Fully-prepared house
Hot chocolate, Cottonelle, bread
Milk, a case of beer

Enemy and friend
Ice-destroying white pellets
"Harmful if swallowed"

Mounds of dingy slush
Sand and salt strewn all over
Plastic trash bag sleds

Stranded by the snow
Counting on delivery
Schools close left and right

Questions from children:
What if all snow was yellow?
Weak-bladdered angels

Fesity Turkish saint
Has many aliases
Partial to reindeer

Permanent winter
Feh. Boxing Day Shmoxing Day
Round bacon eaters

Lethal, frozen spears
Cold, hypnotic icicles
Watch the water drip

Stay warm this winter
Throw another log on there
Then climb up on mine