March 2002

Bazooka Joe, does that eye-patch make you a pirate?

The candy store near my work really blows. Sure, you can get a lotto ticket and booze there, but you are hard pressed to find good candy. The selection is lame. While I do not always need booze, I almost always want sugar. The chocolate-based candy selection, of course, is terrible, but I will not get into that today. The gun selection is even worse! The ratio of normal to sugar-free is one-to-one at best. What's more, the only flavor of Bubbilicious is sour apple, and sour apple sucks! More often than not, I wimp out and buy Juicy Fruit. I go back to work, take a sniff, pull it out….

So the other day I purchase a five-pack of Bazooka *Blasts* with Super Flavor Crystals! (I use the exclamation point because the wrapper has tons of cool explosions.) This is not normal Bazooka Joe gum, this gum is not rock hard. As you may recall from the past, Bazooka Joe was sold in singles out of a bucket at the little league field. Each of those singles were solid, concentrated gum. They also came with a funny comic.

This pack of Bazooka *Blasts* is no different. All five blocks of gum came wrapped in a different comic. Next to Fruit Stripe gum, this is the most fun you can have with gum.

(To be fair, Bazooka Joe Gum and Fruit Stripe share the title of 'most fun' with two other bubble gums, Blow Pops and Big League Chew. But the latter fall into the category of activity gum, by that I mean the chewing the gum is enhanced by the spirit of the gum itself. For instance, Big League Chew is normal bubble gum, but it is cooler than normal because you pretend to chew tobacco, an adult recreation. Bazooka Joe and Fruit stripe are fun because of their wrappers. They make chewing gum fun because of jokes and tattoos. And that is more fun than pretending to be chewing tobacco.)

Rather than bore you with the details about how the gum tasted, how big my bubbles were, or where the gum is now, I will try to explain to you the comics that came with the tasty, big bubble making and swallowed gum.

Comic #1:
A.J., the Black Guy

A.J. is one of Joe's cartoon pals. I have always believed that Joe is a pirate. After all, pirates have eye patches. But one of the more serious responsibilities that accompanies such an occupation is steering clear of any and all musicians who cover M.C. Hammer songs.

I have no personal gripe with A.J. And while even the comic admits that he is clueless about the ladies, they give no good reason for it. And, having read A.J.'s 'bio', I could not think of one reason why the ladies are not totally in love with him, after all, he plays guitar. Then I looked at the picture.

It appears A.J. listened to a bit too much Hammer as a child, or young adult, and the life of a pirate could not free his mind of that terrible affliction. Such a shame. Until I read that comic, I seriously considered joining Joe's pirate crew so I could help them do pirate things all over the place. Not any more. The pirates life is not in the cards.

My wife is real lucky I read that comic.

Comic #2:
Mort, the New-Age Guy

My wife is very, very lucky I had another piece of gum, because after reading this comic, my dream of enlisting in Bazooka Joe's pirate gang was shattered to tiny bits. And these are not the kind of bits that will melt into a liquid, then return to their original shape. These bits are broken forever. I guess that is what happens to your dreams when they are shattered by the knowledge that no self-respecting pirate will ever intentionally subject himself to a session of crystal meditation or a blues rendition of "2 Legit 2 Quit."

Mort, while being quite an easy going guy, is a bit out of sync for a pirate army. I would imagine that a pirate has little use for 'new-age' wisdom and odd-ball philosophy. It is becoming clear to me that Joe is probably a high school drop-out rather than a pirate. Pirate's and high school drop-out's need the same amount of education, but you do not need a crystal worshiping hippie for a pirate adventure. The hippies are helpful at Fresh Fields or 7-11.

Still, Mort could be a great friend to our hero, Bazooka Joe. His dreams of high seas buggery and looting dashed by his poor choice of friends, Joe would need those friends to be very caring and understanding. I bet Joe goes over to Mort's house to listen to some old Yes records and smoke weed. That is a whole lot better than delivering pizzas and hitting on your ex-girlfriend's younger sister at the mall.

Comic #3:
Kara, the Girl

C'mon. Since when do pirates hang out with girls?

Kara is special. Like Eve of the Bible, she can talk with the animals. And, like Eve, she tempted Joe into a crooked poker game somewhere on the Spanish coast, leading to the loss of his right eye. With her spunky, positive attitude, and slender hips, she keeps Joe convinced that Mort and A.J. were responsible, not her. Who cam blame him, though? If you had to spend all your time with a hippie and/or a one-man Hammer cover band, what would you choose?

Me? I would choose the evil woman every time. There is a lot of Bazooka Joe in me.

Comic #4:
This is real life, people!

I suppose that any Bazooka Joe fan can repeat chapter and verse from the "Tao of Mort." But then again, who wouldn't? While some ancient koan need no accompaniment, some cry out loud for it. "The Tao of Mort" fulfills that ancient need - with Joe's wise cracks! Since Joe and Mort are buddies, Mort can always count on Joe injecting a bit of reality into his lofty ideas.

Joe is, after all , the retired pirate with one eye. Joe knows the true fickle nature of the real world, and he also secretly hates Mort for the loss of his eye.

But I think Joe and Mort may be even for the damage caused by the tragic poker game. If you look closely, Mort's mouth and neck are always covered by a turtle neck. Could it be that Joe slashed Mort with a broken bottle, or lamp, in revenge? That would explain why someone with so much to say would always keep his mouth covered.

Comic #5:
Joe is a big jerk.

Somehow, Joe retired from the pirate life and landed a gig in radio giving advice to young adults and college students about sex, drugs and love (not always in that order.) The station he works at must be really desperate if allows such an unruly and rude host taunt it's fragile listeners. As you can see by Joe's response to this caller, "Could you repeat that, I wasn't paying attention!" that he either is not good at what he does, or he does not care.

I wonder if he plays underground songs between calls. Maybe he is broadcasting from his parent's basement. That would be cool, eh? Then, when the evil FCC catches on to his shenanigans, he will broadcast his show from a mobile station - a mini-van! While I see nothing in his future but prison, I guess that will suit Joe fine. After all, prison is full of pirates!

Conclusion:
What did I learn here?

First of all, get off my back! I am still as confused about Joe and his friends as I was before I purchased that pack of gum. The bottom line is that Joe, next to Mark Trail, is the coolest former pirate in the comic community. (Oh, you don't believe that Mark Trail was a pirate? Then tell me where he learned to drive a car, balance on logs in a river, shoot a gun, punch, wrestle, plant and animal care, and bear fighting? Not some lame ass college!)