January 2001
Berate Me
Berate Me is a new semi-regular column that in which various
different Evil Robots staff members dispense advice upon our readers
requests. We give totally good advice. Godzilla put on his thinking
cap for this first installment.
***
Dear Evil Geniuses,
I just received a bulk mailing post card in the mail claiming that
somebody is urgently trying to reach me. There is no company name,
but it gives a toll free number for me to call. What should I do?
A Real Person, Washington, DC
***
You Idiot!
It's a total scam. You are going to get charged a bajillion dollars
a second when you call that number. It's going to route you to some
long slow recording about deep sea sword fishing being played back
in some jerk's shack in French Guyana. Then, after you hang up you
are going to get an ass-whomping bill. Then that jerk is going to
go buy a boat and go deep water sword fishing.
I would suggest that the obvious solution to your toll-free number
problem would be to take that card and set it on fire. Or just tear
it up. If there were really anybody urgently trying to get in touch
with you they would either 1) call you them damned selves, or 2)
send you a letter with relative info.
TEAR THE CARD UP! Don't be a sucker. These people are forcing you
to waste valuable seconds of your life! Live your life to it's fullest
and throw out all your junk mail. Seize the day! Hell, throw out
all your bills. If your creditors don't get any money out of you
it's their own damned fault for being stupid enough to loan you
the money in the first place. They should have known better. Suckers.
Also, if that number were truly toll-free you could call it from
a pay phone. See, now who's a genius? Go use a pay fone. If it turns
out to be truly toll free, start swearing like a sailor and banging
the phone around. That'll teach them to waste postage.
Speaking of swearing like a sailor, as I was preparing to write
this advice column I was furiously yelling "how the hell am
I supposed to write an advice column when nobody is asking me for
advice!" Then I remembered that I had forgotten to ask people
to ask me for advice. Trying to write an advice column without any
questions makes about as much sense as sitting by my phone waiting
for Aquaman to call (which I always do, of course) and screaming
"it's about time you called, you damned bastard!" as soon
as I picked up the phone. See, doesn't make much sense, does it?
So bring it on, chumps.
As long as you get to scream the word "bastard" out really
loud everything is pretty much bound to work out for the best.
***
Want to have an idiot make you feel stupid? Go ahead,
the Professors are in. Send you questions to stupidquestion@evilrobots.com.
