January 2001

Busch Administration Deemed Failure by Evil Robots

The administration of newly selected "President" Busch has declared a failure by the Evil Robots Editorial Board within just hours of Saturday's inauguration. As the CEO and Co-Founder of this esteemed online publication, I explained our position in my Weekly Address to the American People and Appliances With Blinky Lights In My Apartment following consumption of a pot of "Power Coffee". Evil Robots now proudly presents the entirety of this very powerful and moving oration below.

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First of all, we must remember the highly suspect manner in which this dope came into the presidency. But, in truth, this has nothing to do with the extreme degree with which this man and his administration has failed the American people. The New Guy could have been anointed by God or installed by alien overlords as in Arthur C. Clarke's "Childhood's End". It doesn't really matter. This new government is a complete and total failure.

Hey, you- Zip Drive… zip it and stop interrupting. Stinkin' jerk.

Now, to continue… I have specific reasons as to why this new administration has ruined the life of a specific portion of America's unenfranchised citizens. Specifically, here, I am speaking of the citizens of the District of Columbia. Mr. Busch feels that we are not worthy of congressional representation, so he feels free to continue to stomp all over us and make our lives increasingly more difficult.

This is not a discourse concerning the amazingly un-American treatment of the citizens of the District of Columbia by the Federal Government, though that may well be addressed in the future, Lexmark Z12 Color Printer.

How has the Busch Administration failed us? Let me count the ways…

Number One. I will grant even a suspectly selected leader his due coronation. But this man and his "Party" People have gone too far. By this I mean not far enough. I watched the local news the other night and it did nothing but make me angry to the point of ruining my nightly parusal of internet pornography. I was foaming mad, and not in any way in which I can properly add "if you know what I mean". The other night Busch had a party. It sucked beyond belief. He had a mess of country singers, Ricky Martin, and Wayne Newton. WAYNE NEWTON! Is this any way to signify hope to the American People? Actually, this is very much in keeping with his outdated cabinet designates. America is, I suppose, in a previously unparalleled position to combat the scourge of Communism that is so rampant throughout the world… Then I witnessed the New Guy try to do a little salsa dance at the urging of America's Favorite Male Puerto Rican. It was embarrassing. I'm not much a dancer myself, but still, it looked more looked the guy was trying to pull off an olde tymey sort of jig. I would have much rather have witnessed the other potential situation, which may have featured Al Gore doing the Robot (we all know the man's obvious mastery of this ultimate dance move) with Parliament/Funkadelic pumping put the jams in the background. Alas, I feel the Mother Ship may not descend for quite some time. I must add that these "festivities" were held during Rush Hour on a weekday in one of the most congested metropolitan areas in the nation. I sit on the Beltway every day, so you can just trust me on this.

This brings me to my next point, my fellow Americans. Downtown Washington is a mess. During this "party" many of the major commuter routes across the Potomac were closed. While I have no problem with sealing off those fools across the river (and the rest of the suburbs while we're at it), but doing so during the evening Rush Hour prevented far too many of them from getting the hell out of DC. Those people need to occupy their malls, not waste occupy precious space on Our Mall. But enough about that. It's not like these people are Floridians or anything. I thank the Sacred Waffle for that.

But back to the point at hand. The Busch Administration has made life difficult for us in DC. Even before the Administration was in effect. All these inaugural preparations have make daily life a living hell. Case in point: Magic Dave was here at Evil Robots World HeadQuarters this past weekend for a vital series of strategy meetings (by this I mean drinking) concerning the status of our Boston Bureau, which he heads up with great proficiency. All important meetings require Chinese take out. That's just a fact of life. The delivery of our brain food took well over an hour because of all the inaugural preparations. This is unconscionable! The horror being perpetuated by this Administration is unparalleled in American History.

I would like to take a moment to acknowledge a few dignitaries of high achievement with us this afternoon. I must applaud the efforts of The Large Window Overlooking Rock Creek Park here at Evil Robots World HeadQuarters. Many thanks for all you have contributed to this Publication and thus the American People. I think the People of Earth will not, for posterity's sake, hold you responsible for this dreary, rainy weather today. And of course I must reach out and thank you, Mr. Coffee. Without you by my side none of this would be possible. We are forever in your debt. Please rise and show your appreciation, my Fellow Americans!

Additionally, on this first day of shoddy Republican Governance, I must take a moment to offer guidance to the other denizens of the Global Mass Media. Upon consulting with fellow Evil Genius Lucky, we offer a solution to the confusing conundrum of differentiating the New Guy in the White House from his father. Fathers should not name their sons after themselves. It only makes life more confusing. We offer a solution to this mess. The media, in fairness, has been distinguishing the father from the son by the use of a middle initial. We are opposed to that on many levels.

First of all, it wastes valuable seconds and syllables which, over the extended course of our lives, could be used for more productive purposes such as uttering our last words to our beloved, cheering for our sporting teams, and partaking of and in pornography. Add up all the wasted effort of saying "President George W." instead of just "President" over the course of our lives (this will continue far after the New Guy has been shamefully routed by Dick Gephardt in the 2004 election if nothing is done about it) and you will find that our lives will be greatly diminished.

Our Solution is simple. From now on the New Guy must be refereed to as "President" Busch. The reasons are obvious. The use of ""'s around "President" speaks for itself. We all see that. I refer to the case of Florida Nov. 2000. Damn bastards. Second, as far as the cleverly adopted spelling of the New Guy's last name- we can all get through the next four years with a Presidential Smirk on our faces because of this delicious pun. Delicious because of the obvious reference to the New Guy's stature as the most high profile lush in America AND because alcohol, even Busch and Busch Lite, is inherently delicious. It enriches our lives. Further irony necessarily follows. Speaking for myself, there is nothing wrong with having a lush as a leader. The staff of Evil Robots, Inc. can attest to that. I just can't condone having this lush as our leader.

The Media must recognize our superior intellect and adopt this new delineation between son and father. For the sake of all of us.

Lastly, the platitude of filthy "Bush" jokes that will flow freely from the mouths of Morning Zoo morons over the next four years are unnecessary and even hurtful. I think the joke being perpetuated upon the Free World is filthy enough without these references to certain portions of the female anatomy. Please, aspiring "humorists," do not ruin such fine genitalia for the rest of us. It will only leave is with an awful taste in our collective mouths, and if pornography has taught me anything- it's just not supposed to be that way.

Thank you all, and may the Sacred Waffle guide us through these next four years.