January 2001

Tightening Our Science

Oh, you may think it is all fun and games here at Evil Robots, Inc. You might think that our editorial meetings are merely excuses to get way drunk and giggle at sports ("He's taking it to the hole", "They're going to keep jamming it up the middle", "Man, he stroked that one." Well, sure, we may be pretty drunk when writing the actual articles. Also, we may seem lazy when we use "quotation marks" instead of "wit" to express our "derision." But, despite all of that, we take our work very seriously.

I hear you saying "Bullshit" right now. No, that's the guy behind me in the computer lab. This dude's got problems. Man, what a jackass. He just keeps on flapping his gums at that chick. I have never seen a chick less interested than that one. Give up man, have a little pride.

Pride, like the kind of pride we take in our work here at Evil Robots. How seriously do we take this? How about quitting my lucrative job in an ad agency, and going back to school so I can be ERI's staff science advisor? How about really liking the sound of Dr. Sketchy so much that I'm gettin' me a Ph.D.? Is that serious enough for you? Yeah, that's what I thought. Pretty quiet now, aren't we?

So, I'm going back to school, to teach a new generation of students how to kick back. Also, I now have a labcoat, and protective eyewear - because safety is important. I get to work with dangerous chemicals - of the not fun variety. I also get to play with grown up Legos. There is always the possibility of death, as some of the stuff could blow up if not handled correctly.

Also, I get more than my fill of geek chicks. You know the type, they look all nerdy, but then they take off their glasses, and let down their hair and they are hotties. Not just any hotties either - if I learned one thing from my years of viewing porno, I know that nerd chicks are totally freaky in the sack. It's not just in porno either. Did you see American Pie? That's what I'm talking about. And you just know that if I ever talked to one of those nerd chicks, they'd be all over me.

But, really, this isn't about the nerd chicks, or the grown up Legos. No, this is for you, my devoted readers. I want both of you to benefit from my experiences. And this is for the readers of Evil Robots, Inc. I know that you demand that our science be tight. Well, it's going to be good and tight. And, in case someone questions our science "cred", I'll be able to "back that thing up" as it were.