February 2001

Shower Power

My shower is my master. I wake up fearing it. I hate it with all my heart. It rules me. This morning, it made me bow down at its feet for water. I am its humble servant. If it wanted oral satisfaction, I would give it.

You see, my shower lacks the appropriate water pressure to provide a comfortable, let alone reasonable shower. I have a real problem with my problem with my plumbing. The morning shower is one of the most important things in the day. Skip breakfast, there is lunch, skip shaving, you look 'ruddy,' but skip a shower and not only do you look like shit, you feel like shit too. Nothing, not even a cup of coffee, starts the day like a shower.

A good shower is THE way to start a day. Hot, cold, whatever. The type of shower you take doesn't matter, it is that you shower, and it is your shower. I don't like to share the shower, either, but that is another story entirely.

So while you wake up and think about being in a hot shower, getting clean and putting a new face on your day, I wake up and loathe the 15-20 minutes that await me. Sheer torture, as I determine if there is even hot water to begin with. The fear that the pressure will not even permit a full shower. Or most diabolically of all, that the water might shut off while I am in full lather.

Most people find these fears a bit irrational, however, those people are jerks (probably the same khaki-clad jerks who work at Best Buy). I am afraid, because these things have all happened to me. You do not live in my world, you will never know. It is a scary place - I have examples.

This morning it [the shower] failed on me, and I was forced to repeatedly fill a pot to bathe with. I am so third world. Except that in the third world, I would be fighting with 10 other people for both the pot and the water. Oh and the water would be terribly dirty and rife with water-borne infectious diseases. But other than that...

Another day, in the shower, I had a head full of lather, and the pressure cut out. I had to use the kitchen sink. Passers-by had a great view of naked me using my sink as a shower.

Yesterday I was forced to journey to work, filthy, and shower in the facilities at my office, because there was not enough pressure to afford me a proper shower. As a result, I was angry all day. I could barely shave in my sink. I am thinking about running a hose from my kitchen to supply hot water to the shower.

And a few days ago I had to huddle under the shower head to get water on my body. The pressure was so low, that there was not enough to sustain a shower and I was forced to resort to the pot. However I have made a discovery that my Brita pitcher is better, so I am now using that instead.

So you think you got problems? You think I am kidding? Come on over some morning and I will show you who is boss at my house. The shower.