March 2001
How and Why to Use Public Transportation
The Lives of Commuters Special
We here at Evil Robots are advocates for public transportation.
Public transportation has many positive qualities and very few negative
ones. But not everybody uses and enjoys public transportation. Mostly,
we think, is because people are for some reason scared of it- probably
because they don't really understand how to use it. So we would
like to use this space to offer a public service to set things straight
and explain how to use public transportation.
First of all, we must all be in agreement that public transportation
is a good thing. This is the first step to understanding how to
use public transportation. We all know that using public transportation
decreases traffic and pollution. But it also usually gets you to
where you are going much faster than driving- at least within a
city it does. Also, it must be understood that public transportation
does not bring "undesirable types" out from the city to
rob your mansions in the suburbs. It doesn't work this way, Atlanta.
When was the last time that you saw a thug riding the subway with
somebody's baby grand piano tucked under his jacket? Doesn't work
that way. Besides getting rich suburbanites to their fancy jobs
in shiny skyscrapers downtown, public transportation also offers
a means of movement to people who can't afford to own a car. These
people are more interested in taking the bus to work than they are
in taking it to rob your house. These people may be poor, but that
doesn't mean they're stupid. If anybody is stupid, it's the people
who refuse to consider public transportation for such reasons.
So we can clearly see that public transportation is a good thing.
It's nothing to be scared of, like in Atlanta where the moronic
rich white people in the suburbs refuse to allow public transportation
to serve them for fear of thugs from the city terrorizing their
neighborhoods. Morons. Don't they realize that this makes is difficult
for "the help" to get to work? I guess they don't care.
However, in cities that have a more enlightened view of public transportation,
like New York and Washington, DC, it's a completely different story.
In Washington, having a Metro line near the neighborhood tends to
boost property values and encourage development. In DC we have a
fantastic public transportation system and it gets used. Because
driving just takes too long. And using public transportation is
just so much easier. And since running the Metro out to very wealthy
suburbs in Montgomery County 30 years ago, we have not witnessed
these communities turn into crime-ridden barrios. Traffic is horrible
in DC, but it wouldn't even be possible to drive anywhere if so
many people didn't get off the roads and take the Metro or the bus.
If the people in and around Atlanta, which is a much smaller metropolitan
area, were to really embrace public transportation, I think we would
see their horrible traffic greatly decline. Now just imagine what
LA might be like if it had worthy public transportation…
Right, so we can see that public transportation is a good thing.
But still, so many Americans refuse to use it. Why is this? Mainly
it's fear and laziness. Americans refuse to get out of their cars
because we see cars as more convenient and more comfortable, despite
the fact that driving often results in sitting in traffic and taking
twice as long to get to work as just taking the subway, the train,
or the bus. Also, taking public transportation usually requires
human interaction. Oh, the horror! But most of all, Americans avoid
public transportation because it's "too complicated".
They don't know how to use it. They don't realize that transferring
from one train to another is usually far less complicated than taking
95 to the Beltway then, if they're smart, taking the HOV lane into
downtown and then navigating crowded city streets to the office.
Having to stand up for a few minutes must really bother Americans
With public transportation is just a matter of walking from the
subway station to the office. God forbid that we actually have to
walk a few blocks.
Frankly, this attitude angers us. It angers us more than most things
anger us. So we would like to explain how to use public transportation.
Not only for the people who are too big of a sissy to use public
transportation, but for those who do use public transportation so
that they may use it more efficiently. This is our gift to you,
the American people.
A Brief Guide on How to Use Public Transportation
Rules and Pointers for all modes of public transportation
- Do not hog seats. If you do this, you are a bastard. It won't
kill you to sit next to somebody you don't know.
- Be a grown up. Don't smoke. Don't make a ruckus. Basically,
follow the golden rule as much as possible. Commuters tend to
be very civil people. They are your neighbors. Don't be an asshole.
- Pay attention. This will keep you from missing your stop.
Missing your stop is pretty hard to do, unless you're the kind
of idiot that just can't pay attention of follow simple directions
(like "get off at Metro Center").
- Don't lug around a lot of bags and so forth. If you have enough
bags to take up an entire seat, then you are an asshole.
- Use common sense.
- Don't panhandle.
Commuter Rail
- Commuter Rail is a great way to get from far off suburbs directly
into the city. Commuter Rail tends to get you downtown very
quickly. Here you simply transfer to the subway, if needed,
and ride over to your office. It's a piece of cake. On the train
you can read the paper or take a nap. Commuter Rail is usually
a very simple system to use- you get on the train then you get
off the train. Also, the train is the only socially acceptable
place to use your cell phone. Society permits you to act important
here. Amtrak has initiated "no cell phone cars" on
some off peak trips in the NorthEast, but as far as your 20
minute train ride goes, fell free to gab away all they way downtown.
You will not be shot.
- Small talk with your fellow commuters is both acceptable and
commonplace.
The Subway
- The subway is the premium mode of public transportation. It's
fast and it gets you right downtown. Or out to the suburbs if
you live downtown. Or across town to the movies. Most subways
operate until at least midnight. The subway is very easy to
use.
- Learn how to read a map. This makes using the subway much
easier than driving. It involves no turns, but maybe a transfer.
- Don't run trying to make a train you look like a moron and
another one will be by in 5 minutes. So instead of running like
an idiot and being the last one on an already crowded train,
wait five minutes and be the first one on the next train and
maybe score a seat.
- And, almost most importantly, Don't stand on the left side
of the escalators. In Washington, this is an unofficial yet
strictly adhered to rule. Standing on the right, walking on
the left.
- Everybody gets to their destinations at their own pace.
Light Rail
- Light Rail is basically a glorified bus. It's also usually
faster than a bus. Light Rail is being built more than subways
now because it's far cheaper. Unfortunately, it's not as fast
as the subway. But it's clean and you don't have to deal with
traffic. Some cities, like Portland, OR offer free rides on
the Light Rail within the downtown area. You can't lose since
Light Rail systems are incredibly easy to use. The stops are
similar to bus stops. You just get on and ride.
The Bus
- The Bus is the most complicated of mass transportation systems.
The routes often don't make sense and are most easily used by
people in the know. However, it is also by far the most inexpensive
to use.
- Don't run for the bus. Lucky correctly theorizes that you lose
all dignity this way. Running for the bus is for jerks. It's embarrassing
for you and everyone else.
- Commuter Buses are different, however. Follow the rules for
Commuter Rail on the Commuter Bus. The Commuter Bus often offers
more convenient downtown stops than Commuter Rail, but is less
"glamorous" that the train because it's only a bus.
Get over it.
Really, it's just not that hard to use public transportation. It
often saves commuters both time and money. And sanity. It's good
for you, it's good for everybody. There is no excuse for not utilizing
public transportation when it's available. Besides, trains are inherently
cool. So, now that you know the practical, unspoken rules, you too
can use public transportation with ease and take comfort in the
fact that you are reducing your fair share of the smog that will
surely kill us all in due time.
