March 2002

I Love New York, Mostly

In recent months I have been spending a lot of time New York at our somewhat recently established NYC Branch Office. With offices in Washington, Baltimore, New York, and Boston, Evil Robots clearly dominates the East Coast media.

But our domination of the East Coast is not the story here. The story here is the truth about the so-called "Greatest City on Earth". Objectively speaking, I concede that New York does, probably, live up to that claim. As much as it pains a Washingtonian to admit, New York is clearly superior, all things considered. That's not to say that Washington isn't all that and a bag of chips, because it is. In the United States, there is a short list of Great Cities. In my mind, this list includes New York, Washington, Chicago, Miami, San Francisco, and possibly Los Angeles. These cities are the A-List as far as urban entities go. Obviously, there are many other fantastic cities in this country. Cities like Baltimore, Richmond, Portland, Honolulu, New Orleans, and Boston are all great places to live, but lack a certain something to earn a position of greatness in our nation psyche. They are rockin' in their own right. Unlike Philadelphia, which pretty much sucks.

But like I've implied, this story is not about how much Philly sucks. That's a longer story than I have time to write. This story is about New York. But this story is not about the great things about New York. This story is about the often neglected weakness of the Greatest City on Earth

New York seems to have everything going for it. But the astute observer knows that this is not true. New York has it's faults, like any other city. Many of theses faults may seem insignificant on the surface, but with objective analysis we may see that they could prove to be an Achilles Heel of sorts. The old adage of "the bigger they are, the harder they fall" has proved itself wise over the centuries, and the City of New York should take heed and correct these faults lest it fall into a state of utter disarray. Like Philadelphia.

What follows is a case by case analysis of New York's most troubling faults.

1. Everything talks to you.

As soon as you get off the train at Penn Station, New York's inanimate objects start to tell you what to do. Even before you get into the station, as a matter of fact. The escalators welcome you to Penn Station and then give you audible directions on how to use an escalator, just in case you came from an outlying area of the nation that lives and works entirely in one story buildings.

From Penn Station you invariably take a cab or the subway. If you take the subway you may encounter a rare escalator or two, like at the 51st and Lexington Ave. station. Again, you get instructions in case you forgot how to just stand there.

If you take a cab, as soon as you get in it talks to you. Not the cabbie, but the cab itself. It is the voice of some celebrity who again gives you directions on how to ride in a cab, I suppose in case you've never been in a car before. When you get out, the cab reminds you to get all your things.

2. Sesame Street does not exist.

Sometimes the voice in the cab is Elmo from Sesame St. That's creepy and misleading. Don't even bother asking the cabbie to take you to 123 Sesame St., because it doesn't exist. Certainly not in New York, at any rate, as the show seems to imply. It's a total rip off.

3. The Escalator Rule does not exist.

Here in Washington we have something we call the Escalator Rule. It is an unwritten rule, but one more strictly adhered to by more people than any written and official law. This rule was originally conceived of by Metro riders. Almost every Metro station has escalators in it. It became common practice that while on escalators you stand on the right and pass on the left. Because of this ingenious bit of social contract, pedestrian traffic flows much smoother and quickly in Metro stations. People late for a train or work don't have to worry about some jerk standing around blocking and entire escalator. Everyone knows the rule and it works out splendidly. However, I do worry about tourists at Union Station who don't know getting killed by some angry jerk in a hurry, like me. As a result of how well the Escalator Rule works, most Washingtonians practice it every where we go.

In New York there is no such rule. I'm amazed, too. I thought New Yorkers were busy people. I guess not. They loiter and loligag on every escalator. Now, keep in mind that the few escalators in the subway tend to talk to you and tell you what to do. In addition to telling people to not carry large packages on escalators and to hold your children's hands, they could also tell you to stand on the right to allow others to pass you on the left. But no, they don't. This is clearly a safety hazard and I feel it could lead to innumerable misunderstandings resulting in shootings.

4. The Newspaper Situation

You'd think that you could find the New York Times quite easily anywhere in the city, but this is not true. It's quite difficult to find in places like Spanish Harlem. I've had to walk 5 blocks to get the Times before. That's unacceptable. In my Washington neighborhood I can find the Times almost anywhere. I can also find the Washington Post anywhere in DC. It's hard to find in New York. What's the deal? The Washington Post is one of the most influential and important newspapers in the world, so you'd think that maybe New York could get over it's "We're #1" attitude for a second and stock the Post at newsstands. Also, the Post has the best funny page in America.

So instead of being able to find the Washington Post anywhere, you find the New York Post everywhere. Just as USA Today is the newspaper for people who don't like news, the New York Post is the newspaper for people who don't like to read. It's horrible.

5. The Yankees

New York has far too many Yankees fans in it. I hate the Yankees. I would only root for the Yankees if they were playing the evil Washington Redskins or possibly the 1980 USSR Olympic Hockey Team.

Obviously, the superior qualities of New York far outweigh these faults. For instance, just to counter some of the faults listed here, the subway is outstanding and runs 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Cabs in New York are convenient, inexpensive, and can be a fun ride, believe it or not. And, finally New York also has the Mets. Still, New York should address these issues as a city if they don't want to fall hard like Rome. Rome was another city without the Escalator Rule.