April 2002

I am a Substitute Teacher

I got this new job, and pretty much it is the biggest swindle ever. As a substitute teacher, I show up at a school, hang out and babysit students for 5-6 hours, and get paid anywhere from $70-80. Of those 5-6 hours, I see students for maybe 3 hours, so it works out to about $25 per hour. Not bad at all, right? Anyway, I have the job that all regular teachers should hate me for having, and here is why.

I let the kids do anything. Part of being a successful substitute teacher is befriending the students, something which most regular teachers can not do. Therefore, I curse in front of them, and I do not punish them for cursing in front of me. I let them play music in class. I even let this one kid hit another student in the nuts without punishment, because the other student told me that he would "get him back after school" while laughing hysterically. I'm a fairly democratic teacher, and I'd prefer the kids had some say in what gets done during the day. I'm not there to teach, I'm just there to make sure nobody dies. By the end of the day, I am the best teacher ever, and the regular teacher is worse than ever. They chant my name in the hallways of area schools, I win.

I earn what most starting teachers earn. Ok, so they don't provide me with health insurance, but I do make roughly $360 after taxes, and I am entered in the teacher's retirement system. Maybe it is a little less than what a starting teacher makes, but it is pretty damn good considering I do nothing. And I work in low-paying school districts - there are some where the subs earn up to $125 a day. That's damn good money for 3 hours of babysitting.

I talk about drinking and sex and drugs. I don't care, the kids do it anyway these days, so I'm not gonna lie if they ask me questions about this stuff. It seems to me that most teachers would rather ignore it than be realistic about it. You should have heard the conversation I had with my wood shop class about gin, robotussin, and getting high. Those kids idolized me by the end of the day, plus I kept them from trying to hit each other with hammers and hacksaws for a half-hour or so. Mission accomplished.

Anyway, this is the best job I think I've ever had. I don't much enjoy getting up early, but I never have. For this money though, I'll take the early hours. Plus, how many other jobs can you just decide not to go in if you don't want to, without punishment? Awesome.