May 2001

Two Solid Years of Inane Bullshit
Our Second Anniversary

How has Evil Robots changed my life in these last 2 years? This is the question that Grandpa asked the collective staff of this organization at our last staff meeting. In all honesty, I've really been too busy managing the day to day operations of Evil Robots, Inc. to really sit down and ponder this question. Until Grandpa asked. Since then I've been thinking about it, and still have yet to come up with much of a conclusive answer.

Sure, superficially, my life is vastly different than it was upon the founding of Evil Robots, Inc. two years ago. Sure, then I was a recently college graduate with a virtually worthless, yet "prestigious" degree. I had no job prospects. Then Grandpa and I pulled ourselves up by the bootstraps and now look at us. Yachts, beach condos, a corporate jet, legions of adoring fans, influence over American culture… but these things haven't really changed me. Yet I have changed. What was it that made me change?

I'm not sure. I'm sure that the overwhelming success of this operation has much to do with it. The respect of your peers, and by this I mean the Citizens of the United States, has an overpowering impact upon a person. I now realize that whenever I speak, I must chose my words carefully because I know that what I say could effect literally millions of peoples lives. This not only gives me a respect for my countrymen, but forces me to respect myself. Self-respect was something I was sorely lacking 2 years ago. Two years ago I had just graduate college and spent the previous four years prostituting my mind and squandering my financial future just to obtain a piece of parchment that would, hopefully, prove my worth and intelligence to the world. Yet this was all bullshit. I didn't really put my heart and soul into it. Any moron can sit around talking about Plato or Einstein or Don Quixote. That's not hard. It didn't matter.

But for the last two years we here at Evil Robots have been putting our figurative (and sometimes literal) asses on the line to bring America, and the world, our unique perspective on culture, or whatever it is we do here. At first we weren't so sure of ourselves. We had nothing but hope. Now we know and appreciate how important we are, as an entity and as individuals, to the American public. The feedback we receive has required us to take on enough administrative staff to fill a downtown office building on K Street in Washington and often entire floors of buildings in Baltimore, Richmond, Norfolk, and Boston, with further support staff in Miami, New York, Chicago, Honolulu, London, and (of course) Rio. The stories we hear about how we've changed so many lives touches our souls in ways we could never have imagined two years ago. But, of course, all the stories we read of ourselves in the tabloids can be hurtful. But we have to take the bad right along with the good. We know we are a positive force and we don't let that nonsense get us down.

The Evil Robots family has grown from two co-founding two consuming beer and meth on our back porch to a three man corporate board. Over the next two years we picked up an even increasing contributing staff, who have added to both the quality of the content of our publication and the richness of our lives. Some of us have even fallen in love and married one another. We truly are a family here at Evil Robots. This is another thing that has changed me in these last two years. Before, I had no family. I've come a long from my lonely days of being a swarm of bees taking on the shape of a bear, and then human form. Now I have a family.

So, to answer Grandpa's question. In the last two years I've become a much happier man. And, of course, a far wealthier one. Just wait until I get back from my private island and I'll tell you about it in the flesh. If you know what I mean.