Third Anniversary Special/2002

Libertarians: The Two Year Old Children of the Political World

Two year old children are wonderful to look at, but no one envies their parents job. With their limited vocabulary and lack of social skills, their can be as difficult, if not more so, than the most stubborn adult. The stubborn-ness comes from the use of two little words, "NO" and "MINE". When a youngster gets his/her hands on something, or wants something, those two words signify the most basic desires of mankind coming out from their tiny little bodies.

No parent wants their child to be this way forever, so they teach about sharing, loss, and moderation. But while some people grow out of the quasi-fascist traits of the toddler for good, some, as they age, revert to those early beliefs in order to defend their way of life. While some people use this ideology in small doses, a select few return to a life in which no other human matters. Those people become Libertarians.

We should clarify that excluded from this commentary are Libertarians who liberally quote Ayn Rand. Those people have found a replacement for Christ, not an ideology. The Libertarians we mean work at places like the Cato Institute in Washington. Using logic, and not creepy hero worship, they promote small government at all costs.

We are serious, you should check them out. If you don't have the time or the inclination, then let us summarize their beliefs with a short, one act, one scene play based on our findings.

Our Afternoon with the Libertarians in One Part

ERI: Do you want to pay taxes for services?

LIBBER: No, MINE!

ERI: Alright then. Would you like a Federal Agency to provide…?

LIBBER: No! Regulation MINE!

ERI: Should the government make drugs illegal?

LIBBER: NO! Choice MINE!

ERI: Does anyone in government speak for your needs?

LIBBER: NO! Voice Mine!

Those are only a few examples. Libertarians feverishly pound out their beliefs in deeply philosophical essays and privately funded reports to satisfy the greedy desires of their often wealthy patrons (Vermont and New Hampshire excluded). While their well written dissertations and logical assertions look great on paper, they are burdened by the fact that they have few practical applications in the real world. Yes, like the child who demands everything he sees, their theoretical reach exceeds society's grasp.

One reason their theories work well only on paper is that mankind, in general, has trouble following one of the Cato Institutes basic rules, "Harm no one." For thousands of years, men and deities have been asking people to be kind to others and follow the rules even when no one is watching. For some reason, when people wake up in the mornings, they become assholes. And what's more, a funny thing happens when powerful friends give each other the opportunity to do terrible things with impunity (see the Energy and Steel industries, or any number of our current President's friends for a few recent examples.)

But before we thoroughly condemn libertarians as political children, let's examine the ramifications of such an ideology. In a libertarian society, government would only exist, basically, to provide for the national defense. This would be great if we still lived in the agrarian society of Thomas Jefferson. But we don't. So how would this play out? Well, basically, everything that is currently provided for by tax revenue would be left to private industry to provide. In theory, this still sounds great. But think about it for just under a minute and you'll realize how retarded this is.

If industry were left to provide all of our services, our nation would function like this:

Owning a car would be a luxury few people could afford. Privately built highways would require tolls the likes of which not even fathomed in Japan. In fact, if government did not build roads, just driving to the 7-11 would probably cost 20 bucks. Roads would also not have to follow any kind of environmental guidelines. Just imagine twelve lanes of traffic in your neighborhood. Oh, and there wouldn't be any emissions standards. Great for car makers and oil companies, but bad for everyone's lungs. Would automakers really provide low-emissions cars if they don't have to? No, that would cost money. And since we have to get around somehow, people would have no choice in the matter. We would have to just deal with it if we wanted to get to work without paying an extra several thousands dollars for a car. All the costs of transportation would be passed right on to the consumer.

And, speaking of pollution, would industry self-regulate themselves across the board? Would energy companies not collude to jack up the price of electricity out of common decency? Would profit-driven chemical companies not dump toxins into our water supply in the name of public health? Would any company or individual motivated by the goal of making as much money as possible really eschew the largest profit possible in the name of self-regulation? I doubt it. When a few people control most of the money, the idea of market forces balancing to meet the public's demands is a false hope. Do you really need an example of this? Well, just take a look at the period of history known as The Industrial Revolution. For a few hundred or so years there was very little industrial regulation. As a result we can easily see the effects of populations held hostage by the rich elite. Workers were exploited. The land we live on was destroyed. Nothing could be done about it with people like union busters hanging around. Sure, over the course of maybe a few hundred years or so more things would have balanced out. But imagine the violence that would have been require. Imagine the sacrifice involved. Do you really want to live your life with no electricity just to teach the Energy providers a lesson about price-gouging? Why should we have to? We are Americans and we should expect better.

This brings us to the issue of poverty. How would one get out of poverty? The old myth of "lifting yourself by the bootstraps"? How would once achieve that when the dominant will of those with power is to keep you down? We had to fight a war to end slavery and the foolishness of "state's rights" (read "no regulation"). The idea that market forces balancing out the desires of the wealthy and the needs of the poor is pure bullshit. In the early part of the 20th Century workers were provided just enough to meagerly exist, and that's it. If they had a notion of demanding a day off to enjoy merely being alive and spending time with family, in came the Pinkerton Men.

In a libertarian society, what would a poor and uneducated man do if he were, say, to become seriously ill? He would die, that's what. In an economic system of unregulated industry, management would easily find a starving replacement eager to feed his family. Don't believe us? Take a look at history. Wealth has abused poverty like this as a matter of course. So don't tell us that we are over-reacting. Humanity already tried this approach. The majority of us humans got sick of it, obtained some political power, and brought in government regulation to enrich our lives.

We no longer live in a world where such behavior, en masse, is acceptable. Humanity has, generally speaking, grown up enough to realize that in order to have an acceptable standard of living we have to place regulation on those who would just assume keep the general population in economic servitude. Company Towns were outlawed for a good reason. It's called freedom. The desires of the few can never over rule the will of the masses. That's democracy. And if Industry doesn't like giving us Labor Day off, they can go fuck themselves. Because humanity has decided that who we give our money to is meant to serve us, not the other way around.

Government, in a democracy, IS the people. Corporate citizens MUST respect the will of the people the same as the rest of us. Anything else will lead to fascism and oppression. Libertarians need to grow up and realize this.

While a real two year old will learn from those elder and wiser, and grow out of their terrible phase, the libertarians spend an adult life time in this phase, giving legitimacy to impractical ideas that pollute the political dialogue. All that aside, we find it amazing that such a base and selfish ideology is not embraced by more Americans. Taxlessness no regulation, and law free living sounds real neat. Of course, most people realize that they need government and society for the collective well being of the country, for better or for worse. Sure, they do not all apply it the same way, but they act not like two year olds, and more like developing and growing adults - zits, hormones and all!