June 2003

Who are the real queers?
Grandpa Discusses a Change in the English Language

Like most people, Evil Robots, Inc. co-founder Grandpa does not cringe from over-sensitivity when the words 'queer' or 'fag' are used to insult a (usually non-gay) person. The implication that a bad act is somehow inherently equitable to homosexual acts does not set off any bells in his head. He is a product of his culture, after all. He is quite comfortable calling a person or, most frequently, inanimate object a 'queer', without regard for the precedent the word's use sets with use.

His wife, Bigfoot, on the other hand, is very much in touch with the implied degradation of homosexuals in the colloquial use of such adjectives. The words carry with them a history of hate and violence which need not be taken lightly. Why does Grandpa use the word 'queer' so casually, while never, ever, using the word 'nigger'? She's got him on that.

The way he sees it, the question he must ask myself is this: Is taking the last beer the act of a homosexual? No one would be so craven as to say so, but yet the beer-taker may just as easily be called a 'fag' for doing so as he would be called an 'asshole'. Therein lies the injustice. The homo-as-insult words replace 'asshole' and 'jerk' and 'douche bag' in everyday speech. How can people overcome their fear and subsequent hatred of homosexuals if that not-so-subtle connection is made over and over again every single day?

People use the words 'queer' and 'fag' all the time without thinking, and Grandpa does not think he can change that. Sure, he, and many people like him, could nag every damn person in the world to the point that no one will talk to him ever again, but he will not (although Bigfoot will walk out of any event if she hears hate speech like that, and he would probably go with her.). What Grandpa has decided to do is change the meaning of the words 'fag' and 'queer' altogether.

From this point forward, if you hear him say, "That cab driver was a total queer" or "Our Governor's such a faggot he's got red, white and blue shit coming out of his ass", you may be surprised what he means. Why? Well, it's because from now one he will use those words to mean "Republican" or "Conservative."

Does this sound unreasonable? Hurtful? Yes and no. Ask yourself this question: Is it a Republican or Homosexual habit to cut school lunch programs? Republican, right?

Then ask, how is that different from taking the last beer at a party, or bogarting a joint? It isn't, is it?

Then, finally, ask yourself, who's the 'fag'? Remember, Republicans choose to be that way, homosexuals are born that way.

If you follow the logic, according to Grandpa, you'll see that it's not the homosexuals who represent thoughtlessly harming their fellow man. It's not the homosexuals who increase defense spending while cutting taxes and all other spending. No. As much as people in the USA are familiar with those terms, their familiarity is a farce. It is going to stop with Grandpa.

For you people out there who don't know how you would use the newly-defined cruse words, he provided this reporter with a few examples:

"Stom Thurmond was a democrat at first, but he went queer in 1948 because he opposed desegregation."

"During the war in Iraq, it seemed like FoxNews did nothing but push the fag's agenda. It was like a total white-wash by the queers at corporate headquarters."

"My brother was such a fag that one day he turned into a libertarian. My father almost disowned him."

In all honesty, the world's people would be better to rid themselves of hate-filled words, says Grandpa. The casual acceptance of subtle hatred from one generation to the next only serves to keep us further away from making this world a nice place in which to live. Of course, as Grandpa points out, Republicans also prevent us from living in a nice, peaceful world, and his dream would be for us to rid ourselves of both.

If Grandpa's plan of subtly changing the English language works, one day soon, a man will look at a couple of lesbians or gays and yell, with all the Christian-style manhood in him, "Get a room, you queer fag bastards!" The couple will pick up their heads and yell back, "We're registered Democrats, you asshole!"

That'll make Grandpa smile big time.