July 2001

Southern Drivers Can Kiss My Ass

Let me start off by saying that all southern drivers are evil. I was driving down to Chattanooga, TN from Baltimore for work last week and had my first real experience with real southern drivers. These drivers are nothing like the yahoo/lunatic Mid-Atlantic drivers that I am used to. I thought that I was going to go crazy.

Here I am driving down I-66 doing the posted speed limit, 65, in the left lane when all of the sudden this goddamn car gets in front of me for no reason at all. He did not have any one in front of him, so why the hell did he get in front of me? Normally this is not a problem. I am used to driving on I-95 in a more civilized area, where when someone does this they usually speed up there is no real problem. But boy this just isn't the case with southern drivers. This idiot gets in front of me and not only does he not speed up he slows down. I am in the left lane doing between 50 and 55 mph. What a crock a shit.

I pass him and figure that the guy was just retarded. Then 5 miles down the road it happens again. And then again, and again, and again. This happened all the way down to Chattanooga.

And another thing, as the speed limit increases, southern drivers slow down. It had gotten so bad on the way back that I was physically able to drive for a couple of more hours when I got to Roanoke, VA, but I was to the point where if I did not stop driving, people were going to get run off the road. This is not a good idea in a company van.

Godzilla says that all southerners should be forced to take the bus everywhere. Now I understand why.

I have one last remark to make. Between Johnson City, TN and Chattanooga, TN I stopped at a rest stop and saw the funniest thing that I think that I had ever seen. I was talking with this guy that was standing by the vending machine when we both saw a guy walk out of the can with no leg and a live talking parrot on his shoulder. After conferring with the vending machine guy, we both decided that he needed a peg leg. I was half expecting to see a pirate ship roll on out of the rest area. Or at least a rig with a pirate ship painted on the side.