July 2002

Chug-a-lug-a-choo-choo

Friends, the state of American public rail transportation is in a state of disgrace. Not only are poor service and lengthy delays the norm for our passenger railroad system, we are far behind the rest-of-the-world when it comes to innovation. It seems we just can't seem to get it right. Now Godzilla will give you some techno-babble speech about this funding and that mandate (and believe me, that guy can talk the balls off a rhino) but I think it's simpler than that - we just aren't smart enough.

Case in point: (and you heard it here first) Japan has a BEER TRAIN. That's right. A BEER TRAIN. I don't think I have to tell you how important this is (do I? do I? don't make me come over there…). It's a train that serves beer. That's what it does. Oh, sure, it goes places too, why not. But its main purpose is to get salarymen (and women, I would hope) drunk. How fucking smart is that!

See it works real easy. You get on and for two hours, you can drink all you want. Now I know that they run it on Friday nights, makes sense, sure, but here's the rub: we can do them one better. I say - Let's take that concept and really make it work! I hereby demand that Metro - the mover of people in the nation's capital - take up the cause, and serve beer on all trains at all times forever and ever. Want to encourage ridership? Serve beer. Want to distract the nagging public who constantly gripe about escalators and elevators being broke? Serve beer. Think you can get me drunk? Serve beer.