October 2003

Give Them a Chance

Over the summer of 2003, I heard boatloads of talk about same-sex marriage. Conservatives, ever fearful, railed on-and-on about "the institution of marriage" and "the demise of the American family." They called for a new, more unnecessary, Defense of Marriage Act. If I believed what I heard, homosexual marriage was going to destroy the Unites States of America.

Of course, it isn't. The fears of conservatives are baseless for two reasons: one, the high divorce rate is the scourge of the American family; and two, I don't think they know what they are defending.

In olden tymes, people got hitched at a young age (what with middle age hitting at 12 and all) and they generally began having many children (of which few survived to adulthood.) Marriage lasted until the end of your life, no matter what. But as time passed, medical science and the industrial revolution pushed the marrying age well past 20 (for most of us, at least) and divorce became an increasingly more common way to end a marriage. By this time, heterosexual-unions, at least in the USA, became more of a choice than a necessity.

Despite that, churches continued to encourage the 'traditional' life - the diamond ring, home and 2.5 kids. Like attending college, marriage is a necessary step to have a successful life, but few know why. Many people do it to appear normal.

Hetero-marriages make other people happy. The age-old traditions of gift giving, dressed-up ceremonies and honeymoons bridge the gap between today and yesterday, making the two seem closer than they actually are. In the eyes of many right-wing tee-vee, radio and print pundits, marriage makes our culture strong. Not, however, because of the intrinsic value a good marriage has for the couples, but for that value to their perceptions of what American should be.

It is this perception that gets all mucked up by the possibility of same-sex marriages, or unions. When the gays ask for the same legal standing any straight couple gets, the Right goes nuts. It's either God or Norman Rockwell who is being offended by the besmirching of their ideal of marriage from days gone by.

As an unconventionally married person (married by Elvis in Las Vegas), I understand, on one very base level, what people in the gay community want. Me and the wife want to be legally married. We did not ask God for permission, blessings or grace. We wanted to make vows to each other in front of family and friends (and scattered friends all over the world watching on the internet), tax benefits, and the lower car insurance that comes with marriage. We want to share health benefits.

From what I understand, that's largely what the gays want as well - equal legal standing. Sure, there are those who also want to be married in a church, but that's a different battle than this one. (The Catholics and the Baptists don't have to marry anyone they don't want to marry. End of story.)

My marriage is not going to make America stronger, well, at least that was not one of my intentions. No, my hope is that my wife and I can grow together as people. That may sound hokey, but who else is a marriage supposed to benefit, if not the spouses? My marriage will be great because we made each other's lives better.

My wife helped me lose over 45 pounds, survive unemployment, and learn to pay my bills with greater regularity. Since we wed, I am convinced that she made me a better person. I have no doubt about it. I hope everyone on the planet can have a partner like I have. We share our lives together because that is what we want. If I get sick, she will be responsible for my care. When we're old, I'm gonna spend my retirement savings on her. That's what I want. That's all anyone should want.

When I hear the debate about same-sex marriages, I get the feeling that the right has deconstructed 'marriage' itself into something it is not for the average person. People want marriage to be representative of something greater than society itself. They want it to be overreaching when it is, simply, the union of two people, nothing more.

Religion makes marriage take on a greater significance for a couple married in a specific faith, but when a marriage is outside of that umbrella, or just when they are home together on a Tuesday night, their union is simply about the two of them getting through life together.

I don't think I need to talk about same-sex unions as a right, like the right to bear arms, but that is where it is in the public debate. In that context (legal marriage is a right for all), the burden of proof is on those who claim that the gays do not have the right to be legally married. The reasons come in droves. When I listen to the debate I realize that even if the Supreme Court grants homosexuals the right to be legally married, the homosexuals will always be considered second-class by many. No court of legislative body can grant you equality in the eyes of your fellow man.