December 2002

Grandpa Loves December, But Not in Baltimore

December is always a great month for Grandpa. While the rush of present buying, all the people in the malls, and the same songs in the same commercials on every TV and radio can make the month a drag, it does not bother me all that much. No amount of holiday zeal will ever ruin my month, for December is the most important month of my life.

You see, as well as having Christmas, which I spend with my family, it is the month of both my wedding anniversary (early December) and my birthday (late December.) I have a lot of fun in December. The cookies taste better and chocolate is omnipresent. A good friend of mine throws a terrific holiday party in the middle of every December. I get to wear my tuxedo. I freakin' love that!

In any given December I can expect to have a good time.

Sure, making December great is not about sitting on my ass and letting the gifts and food pour in…no! It requires careful planning. First of all, I don't go to no malls for shopping, and second, I don't participate in no Secret Santa program at the office. I learned years ago that both of those activities are sure fire ways of making your December shitty.

For many years I thought that by following those two guidelines I could guarantee a smooth holiday season, but I was wrong. There is more to avoid! DECLARATION: From this day forward, I will NEVER NEVER NEVER visit a town, city or street's decorated house light show!

Don't get me wrong, I have never wanted to drive to some crappy neighborhood to look at the belighted (the spell checker suggested I use 'blighted' - I almost did) houses (The Parade of Lights at the City Dock in Annapolis, MD learned me that lesson.) Also, I have no interest in going to see no tacky light show, but until this year I didn't know why. Now I know why, but I learned this lesson the hard way. And what's more, I learned that Baltimore sucks.

Starting in November, every damn TV and radio show, newspaper and even State Lottery commercials sing the praises of the so-called "Miracle on 34th Street" in Baltimore. Apparently, every house on ONE city block is decorated for the holidays. Writers and reporters yammer on and on about the 'spirit of Christmas' and the 'heart of Baltimore' with respect to the display. Being curious, and interested in Baltimore, I drove with Bigfoot to see this bedazzled city street.

What a bunch of crap! Not only were three houses on the block undecorated, but two had the very same inflatable Grinch on their lawn. Ungh! We walked from one house to the next in hope of finding a unique design. We found only one. All the other stupid houses looked like any other damn house in America that is wrapped in lights in December.

Before I continue with my rant, I need to put down a few words: STUPID! CRAP! DUMB! PATHETIC! GARBAGE! WASTE OF MY DAMN TIME! I COULD HAVE BEEN VOMITING!

Had I happened upon the street by accident, there would be no reason to write about it. But it seems the City of Baltimore has fallen in love with the jerk-ass "Miracle on 34th St." so much so that it is unwilling (or unable) to speak ill of it. What state is Baltimore in that the best thing it can do at Christmas time is spew forth this non-creative waste of electricity? Is this why so many people use heroin?

My advice is that you never go to see this. Don't take your kids and don't listen to the television when it tells you about it. Hopefully, in a few years, Baltimore will be less crappy and the residents will find something rewarding and creative to celebrate during December. Until then, Baltimore will continue to be a pathetic, dying city (the high crime, VD, and drug abuse rates won't help it any, either.)