December 2003

The GOP Butthole Conspiracy

Many months ago, we here at Evil Robots proposed that the behavior of conservative pundits, particularly that of Ann Coulter, could be explained by syphilis (see the groundbreaking report here). We felt it was the only logical explanation for such profound irrationality and delusion. Still, we wondered what would explain the politics for the Republican Party as a whole, and why the party continues to expand. Besides that they are greedy bastards, off course.

After much thinking, I came up with something. Something that seems so obviously true. Republicans are created when an older republican touches them on the butthole. Now wait, hear me out. You'll see how right I am once you think about this a little deeper.

Republicans are raise to find homosexuality and sexual freedom to be morally repugnant. Most, in fact, are raised hating people guilty of such harmless "sins". Once the intolerance of this specific form of human sexuality reaches a boiling point and labeled strictly as a choice, the Republican recruiter moves in and touches the initiate on the butthole.

The recruit then becomes confused. But he or she soon falls back on to their solid "family" values and all hell breaks lose, mentally and emotionally speaking. The recruit becomes angry and ashamed. Because of the core value of personal responsibility, coupled with crushing religion-inspired guilt, the recruits can only blame themselves for what has happened, though to the rest of us it is obviously not their fault. But remember, these are the kind of people that with a straight face sometimes claim women are "asking" to be raped because of what they're wearing.

So then the situation really starts to stew. That "traditional" upbringing really kicks in and the hatred and self-loathing begins to render the recruit mentally crippled. These poor bastards have no choice but to at least feel great shame for their buttholes having been touched, though, again, obviously not their fault. The more die-hard republicans experience tremendous self-hatred. They hate that their butthole has been touched, and are too ashamed to do anything about it, lest somebody find out. Furthermore, some of the recruits may have enjoyed having their buttholes touched. Their values force them to feel nothing but hatred towards themselves. So before he got syphilis, I would wager that Rush Limbaugh sat around shoving things up his ass and loving it, causing him to only hate himself that much more.

Now how does this explain the kind of irrational and heartless behavior we see in people like Rick Santorum and Tom Delay, not to mention the party rank and file? Well, people deep in crisis and roiling with insane self-loathing are easily manipulated. They are so wracked with guilt, that it's not hard to see why they would go along with such cruel policies. Cruel policies set by people like Tom Delay. Tom Delay obviously loves having his butthole touched. Nobody so rabidly homophobic wouldn't; it's an obvious cover-up. He probably has some poor intern slip a tongue up there every morning. But clearly his hatred of such "deviant" behavior causes such internal strife that he just wants to kill people, which his policies clearly demonstrate.

But having mastered the fine arts of manipulation, somebody like Tom Delay has no difficulty in touching the butthole of a local car dealer raised as a republican and convincing him to run for office espousing hateful and cruel politics. In fact, it's not hard to imagine that he relishes it. Probably with pickle relish.

The cycle goes on and on. It's probably fair to say that this kind of mean-spirited, irrational politicking has been going on since the days of William McKinley. Quite obviously, Teddy Roosevelt had no involvement in this. But by the time Coolidge rolls around, it's in full effect. One of the grand masters of such politics, Richard Nixon, scored greatly with his controversial "southern strategy" which involved GOP operatives roving the south touching the buttholes of millions of bigots, like Strom Thurmond. Why else would so many working class Americans clearly vote against their economic interests?

Now we have a dominant political party filled with people ashamed of their buttholes having been touched. They are easily manipulated by a devious butthole-touching party leadership and clearly are hell-bent on destroying anyone who could care less who touched who's butthole.