December 2003

The March of Jerks

"I think Reagan should be on the $2 bill because he won't remember that we don't use them anymore." - Lefty

"Schlomo says that Ronald Wilson Reagan should be on one of the following three bills:
1) 1,000,000 Ruble, not for ending the cold war (which he did not do), but as a tribute to having the largest cult of personality of any American president.
2) Three dollar bill, as in queer as a three-dollar bill.
3) Tokens used in porno shops video booth, especially those that have glory holes. Just to remind the patrons that they too are about to be fucked by a strange old man." - Schlomo

"Dollar coins can be used on mass transit. Maybe that would get those pansy-ass, so-scared-of-the-world-they-want-to-destroy-it Republicans out of their armageddon-baiting SUV's and onto a fucking bus with the masses they've driven into poverty. Hey, does the Franklin Mint make a John Wayne coin? If so, I'm pretty sure half of Orange County would be walking around with a boner at the thought of Ronald Reagan and John Wayne kissing in their pockets." - Godzilla

"Who the hell wants to put Regan on money? That fucker already has an airport, what the fuck else does he want?" - Mr. Joshua

So, to the surprise of no-one in America, a small, queer, gaggle of Republicans sponsored a bill in Congress to put Ronald Reagan's face on the dime. For those people, Reagan is a semi-secular deity, and before he dies, they must show him their devotion. Why they are so devoted to that man, I will never know, but they are, and we have to live with them.

On the plus side, Nancy Reagan publicly announced her opposition to the dime change, but that did little. Last week, the USAToday posted an on-line poll, and the majority of the voters supported the change. This 'quest' is not over yet.

I am not going to get into President Reagan's qualifications for being immortalized on our currency. I'm not gonna get into it. Let's assume that he eminently deserves this, and let's also assume that the dime is off-limits. FDR won WWII. The dime is his.

All other coins and paper are fair game.

We know from the "State Quarters" that as many as half of the new coins will be taken off the market by collectors. This is different than the changes made to the five, ten and twenty - nobody really cared to collect them. I expect that Reagan lovers and collectors will do the same to any new RR coin or bill. Which makes me think of a pretty quick resolution to this problem.

Putting Ronnie on a currency should be a rebirth for the coin AND for him. Most of the coin and paper in circulation are established. What needs to be reestablished, however, is the dollar coin! We CAN kill two birds with one stone.

The current dollar coin suffers from lack of use. People today can live an entire life without every having to carry a dollar coin. No one cares that it may be more efficient or plain better. No one cares. Can you tell me who is on the coin? A captain of industry? A political dyanmo? No, just some Native American. It might as well be the Queen of England for all I care.

The current dollar coin has another problem: It cannot be used.

Yes, on top of it being uninteresting, there are almost no coin-operated machines that take dollar coins. Why not? Damned if I know. The coin is more durable than the paper dollar, and will always work at the laundry or when you need a pop. The only time I see the dollar coin is when I travel on public transit, and only jerks use that. The dollar coin needs to be used by people other than the liberal elite who ride the trains.

Were Ronald Reagan's face on the dollar coin, a large number of people would use it, not just the snooty, public transit types. First of all, Republicans would collect the coin with a fever never before seen in the collecting world. Little, besuited white boys will fight for change at the train stations, and they will insist on using the coins to pay for everything from Anne Coulter dolls to anti-abortion stickers to xenophobia workshops. Large, republican friends, like Pepsi and Wal-Mart, will change their soda machines to take the new coin. Sure, you may be forced to take some lame old quarters for change, but you will have made your statement by spending the "Old Gipper" on a tasty drink!

In the course of a year, the dollar coin will be as common as patriotism, and durable as the American sprit. For all time, Ronald Reagan will be honored with every small purchase, and we will be able to hear liberty, honesty and peace on earth trickle down throughout the land.