Summer 2004

This Place is so Gay
Letter from Massachusetts

You are reading this a little late because Evilrobots.com deemed it was unnecessary to publish in the sixth month of the year. But I did have an article. Something momentous had occurred in the sovereign Commonwealth of Massachusetts: EVERYONE CAN GET HITCHED (after a three day waiting period, of course).

From my balcony overlooking Cambridge city hall, which opened at midnight May 17th to much fanfare and TV trucks, I was able to gaze upon the event that, the right Honorable Rick Santorum has called "nothing-- nothing more important than the future survival of this country." All I have to say to Mr. Santorum is, I have seen the future and, dude! the mutha fucka is right!!

Despite the fact I am married and live in Massachusetts, I do not think this change in Massachusetts marriage law affects me or my wife. We were not married in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, we were married in Maine, where only people with opposing genitalia can promise to live the rest of their lives with each other in front of a public official. So despite the anarchy and chaos that many local couples are experiencing, we are immune from it.

You should have seen the carnage when daylight broke on the morning of the 17th. Officials from the People's Republic of Cambridge had been issuing marriage certificates for a full 8 hours. And even though none of these people were married (one must wait three days to get married in Massachusetts), all were partying like it was their honeymoon on the beautifully trimmed lawn outside of City Hall. Used condoms and dental dams of all shapes, colors and flavors littered the once pristine green lawn. On my drive in to work, it looked like the cure for AIDS was found and I had just missed the biggest fuck fest since the first annual Dionysian festival way back when. DAMN!

In order to defend their status, the heterosexual couples of Cambridge have divided in two main groups (in order to ensure I remain an unbiased spectator in order to continue writing for Evil Robots, I will not join any of these groups). One of them is for those couples that got married and the other is for heterosexual couples that got married just to have children.

Heterosexual couples that got married in Massachusetts, well they are unfucked. You should see their lamentations and wailing against the walls supporting city hall. Heterosexuals of all colors, creeds, and religions are up in arms here in the People's Republic of Cambridge since homosexuals started to get married. All of the time and energy heterosexual couples spent in cruising members of the opposite sex... setting up time to listen to them and pretend to care about them. Then the wedding. Months and months of planning, arguments and thousands of dollars spent, and for what? So they can be equated with a homosexual couple that may or may not live next door. All of that time and money wasted. A few told me, off the record, that if had they known marriage would have come to this, they would have just hung out at the gym with their same-sex friends and gotten their kicks that way. They all claim, without exception, that this lifestyle would have been much more fulfilling and created a lot less stress and gray hairs.

Many of those heterosexual couples that got married to have kids, believe that only a married couple can raise a child. They go through all that preparation, get pregnant, carry it around for nine months, then have to raise it, pay attention to it when it cries, whines and/or speaks, and what do they give out if it? Homosexuals can now be on an equal playing field. Many of these couple have joined the Kambridge Kouples with Kids Kombating Kinky Kouples (KKKKKK, or the 2KKK ). Their official car is either the Volvo station wagon (those on the left) or the Ford Windstar (those on the right). A few weeks ago they firebombed city hall. No homosexuals died, but a whole lot of heterosexual couples without children died mid-lamination. But, I think the point was made. Our Mormon governor Mitt Romney gave a special award to the president of KKKKKK, and told them to keep up the straight and narrow path to marital purity.

As I gaze out my window, heterosexual couples without children have since found a new place to lament and wail, some have even taken to beating their chests as they walk down the block to get a half gallon of milk or a cup of coffee. The KKKKKK has run into some serious problems as school is out and they must now take care of their children. They no longer have the time to fight the good fight. Though a few members who have older children that graduated college are looking for something homosexual to blow up. I suspect that once children go back to school in September, the KKKKKK will rise up and continue their fight until homosexual cannot get married. By that time I expect that half of Cambridge will be in cinders. This is not something I wish for the rest of America. And then we will have all wished that we listed to the Right Honorable Rick Santorum.