January 2005

Random Observations

1. Women's Dress Sizes: No Pity
What's the difference between men's clothes and women's clothes? Labels, and that's the whole problem.

I'm always with my wife at a store struggling to find a decent pair of pants or shirt that fit. Unfortunately for Bigfoot, the sizes don't always fit her in every direction. One store's 8 is another's 12, and none of them have the same inseam as the other. I keep asking myself, "Why does she put up with this crap?"

The simple answer is this: the equal rights movement failed! I'm not saying that to be shocking. It's true. The most insidious enemy of every woman on Earth never noticed the movement. The movement looked it over. What is this enemy? The Magic Size System!

The MSS, as I like to call it, is the exact opposite of the Precise Size System employed in men's clothing. When I go out looking for a new shirt or pair of jeans, I use the PSS to find the pair that will fit right off the rack. 34/30? Yup, that's me! I'm done!

But what does the woman get? The mysteries of Size 10, 8 and 0!!! Who likes living this way? By my last count, this is twelve kinds of wrong. Twelve! I'm not freakin' kidding here - and we're not even close to the shoe department yet.

MSS's domination over women and their clothing is ridiculous and subversive. It's ridiculous because it merely serves to perpetuate the olde-thyme idea that you should not ask a woman her weight or her age. Sure, I understand the world would like women to be reserved and a bit dainty, but once they get walk into the dressing room, there's no one around to know the dirty secret. Why do the MSS people want women to waste their time guessing when they should be buying?

That's where the subversive part comes in - the guessing. It could be that the point behind MSS is to keep women in stores for a really long time. You see, after an hour of squeezing tight and being disappointed, MSS compels women to buy nearly anything - just so they can avoid coming home empty.

People, I may be onto something. This here MSS is a damn shame, but that women allow it to exist unabated is five-times as worse. It's revolution time, ladies.

2. I'm Thirty, but I'm not Losing My Hair
There's this new guy in my office. He's 24 and sporting a killer widow's peak on top of his head. Me? I've got a thick and soft head of hair! It's all here! Whoo-hoo!

Picture of me with my terrific hair, showing my wife what I'd like to do for my birthday.

You could take every hair offa my head, and I wouldn't care. Go ahead and try. I want it all or not at all. Living with about half as much hair would be terrible - always trying to figure out if I should shave it all or comb it over. Uck.

3. My New Drinking Problem
I like drinking vodka and tea. This is not good. You see, I've taken to downing one or two cups of tea on evenings before or while I drink some vodka based cocktails. Doing so creates two problems: one, I'm always stumbling to the bathroom; and, two, I'm a drunken babbling retard by midnight.

How the 'problem' manifests itself is different from one time to the next, but it almost always end with me telling Bigfoot the same story about six times - and each time leaving out one major piece. Now that we have a digital camera, I'll try to get that a shot of look on her face for you all. It's great - a mix between "Get me out of here" and "I've just bit into a whole peppercorn."

4. January's
Eight years ago this month a college friend died. (It's also eight years since I quit smoking. Neither had anything to do with the other, all they have in common is that I miss them both.) Chuck was a huge Patriots fan, and he was not there for the '97 Super Bowl when they played the Packers. From time to time, I miss the old guy, but when New England is playing in late January, I miss him a bit more.