May/June 2006: 7th Anniversary Spectacular

I Have Theories

Apple Thinks Like Progresso
Years back, I wouldn't shut up about a batch of Progresso soup commercials. Pretty much the whole campaign was meant to make fun of Campbell's soup, but it was a "People who eat Progresso are cocks" campaign. You remember, some jerk made fun of his/her friend who liked Campbell's soups. They were all, like, "That soup is for babies!" To this day, I refuse to buy any Progresso soups.

Now, in 2006, Apple Computers is picking up where Progresso left off.

Unless you have been in a cave for the last ten years, you would know that Apple Computers promotes a superiority complex for their users. Most of the time, you don't catch a whiff of Apple users asshole-ness unless you meet a user. But now you can see it every day in a tee-vee commercial.

Agaisnt a white background, a middle-aged man stands to the right of a young hipster type person. They chat about what their respective computer's capabilities. The hipster is a Apple-owning cock, all making fun of the old guy who only needs a compy that can surf the internets. Funny thing is I've met only one Apple owner who is not a cock about their lifestyle choice. The hipster in this commercial is your average Apple enthusiast. Now you know!

Have you ever talked to one of them? Of course, they will work make some sly comment about how terrible PC's are into every conversation, but when pressed, you'll find that wise-ass comments are all they have. Apples are wonderful machines with tons of hard and software that effortlessly work with one another, but so what? The conversation will go back to talking shit about PCs in nothing flat. In the end, there is no reason the average user needs to overpay for Apple's machines. It don't matter.

Obviously, being capable computers is not enough. Apple thought it should invite more people to become Mac-loving cocks with this major campaign. They could have built a campaign with something like "You already love our ipods, so why not make it more awesome by using our computers, too?" Nooooo! They want the insecure hipster dick-head demographic. They want it to grow.

So I say it's time for another life-time ban! Apple is dead to me! Don't mention those jerks in front of me every again! And please don't try to tell me how much you like your computer, I've heard enough!

Godzilla says that the commericals are amusing, but that Macs are for jerks. The pasty dude wrote a book concerning a hobo conspiracy and the young guy got hit in the face with a wrench in Dodgeball.

Linen
Last week the woman and I went shopping for pants. It's the summer-time, and my light-weight pant collection is in dire need of refillin'. Oh boy, buying pants is fun!

First of all, being a dude, the labels tell it true: waist is measured in inches, and the inseam is, too! Were I a female, finding pants would be horrific. I just walked up to a rack or two of pants, grabbed 'em, and tried them all on. Yahoo! They all fit! Being a guy is rad!

The ladies, as my woman re-learns every time she goes shoppin', can only hope their pants fit. "It's a size 8," she says. "Time to pray, lady!" I think quietly.

OK. Whatever. The point is that I have new pants. My butt looks decent, and the material breathes. Oooh. Linen is good stuff.

Blowing Up People
This week, President Bush and his desperate Republican buddies in the Senate wasted two frickin' days debating a constitutional ban on gay marriage. Since they managed to fuck up every other responsibility of their for the past six years, I suppose that blowing off two days to brag to each other about how much they hate gay people was not such a bad idea. In the eyes of their gay-hating constituency, they can win for losing, so it's totally OK to spend that precious time on something as trivial as gay marriage.

Gay bashing bores the daylights out of me. Slippery slope…God hates fags…polygamy…I hate rainbows! It all sound the same. I can't even pretend to be a dumb religionist long enough to hate gay people - what with God being way more explicit about his objections to shrimp than boy-on-boy action. Am I that out of touch with America? I feel lost.

Seven Years Olde
In case you missed it, Evilrobots.com is seven years old. A caffeine inspired waste of money has ballooned into a responsibility more tiresome than child-rearing. You don't know how lucky you are to have people like me and Godzilla whipping it out for you month after month. Take some time this month and thank both of us. We take thanks in the form of tacos, cash and sex (in that order, cheapskate!)