Rich and Chet are Fuckers

TWIN LAKES ESTATE-- That’s it. I’ve had it. Rich and Chet are fuckers. I’ve had it up to here with their nonsense. I think I’m going to have to fire them. Allow me to explain. Rich and Chet are two new staff members here at Evil Robots. Actually, they were brought on as summer interns. They seemed to have great potential. Rich and Chet are communications majors at the University of South Carolina here to fulfill their internship requirement in order to earn their degrees next year.

Rich and Chet impressed me greatly when we were interviewing for summer interns three months ago. We had interviewed candidates from Johns Hopkins University, Columbia University, American University, and Lincoln Technical Institute, among many other fine institutions of higher learning. Initially I had no intentions of getting two communications majors to hang around here all summer, as a communications degree is a complete waste of paper. At first I wanted to get an intern in computer programming and one in a business field. But Rich and Chet blew me away. They really seemed to be on top of their game. They had answers to all of my questions. They knew more about Evil Robots, Inc. than anybody else I’ve ever met who isn’t on staff. They had even done their research on me! It’s a good way to impress the boss, I tell you.

So Rich and Chet have been floating around the office for about a month now. I thought it would be great, but it hasn’t really work out that well. First I gave them the responsibility of editing the copy of the May issue for typos, which they obviously failed to do very well. I’m not even sure if they bothered to try. That didn’t sit too well with me.

Then I found out that somebody ate all my ice cream. I am still furious about this. Every one at Evil Robots knows to stay the fuck away from my ice cream (the same goes for my orange juice and Spider Man Cereal). There is a notice pasted clearly on the HQ freezer stating as much. Nobody would be stupid or high enough around here to go against thier better judgement and eat my ice cream. Last time that happened I was forced to take a dump on the hood of the offending person’s car. That mistake was never made again, until last week. I know it was Rich and Chet, those fuckers.

I think Rich and Chet are more interested in cruising around in Chet’s Camaro than doing any actual work. I mean, I love to cruise about in my fancy convertible and not do much of anything, but there is a time and a place for work (mostly, that is, whenever I say so). Last week, when it became apparent that I (along with most of the rest of the staff) was too lazy to do much work on the June issue, I asked Rich and Chet if they could write a few articles. I even gave them topics. They said, “sure, no problem, Mr. Godzilla”. Now I know that Rich and Chet can write. I’ve read their work. It’s good. So I left for the Virginia Bureau (see ERI Newswire) last week for a facility inspection fully confident that there would be plenty of copy ready upon my return. Oh, how wrong I was! Not only was there no articles completed, and my ice cream eaten, but there were tire tracks all over the well manicured front lawn of Twin Lakes Estate (Evil Robots HQ) and all the bills had gone unmailed (this is an important responsibility that I had delegated to Rich and Chet).

I’ve also had it with Rich and Chet harassing all the female staff members. That’s my job! I also caught them snooping around the shed out back. The one where we keep all the dead hookers. I’d better not catch them messing around with my ladies.

So that’s it. I’m going to have to chew them out. I’m going to have to tell them how much they’ve let us down. I’m even going to get personal. Rich thinks he’s so cool with his damned sweaters, and Chet with his stupid “Cocks” hat. Well they can kiss my ass. The only problem is that I haven’t been able to find them recently. I know they’ve been around. I’ve seen the messes they’ve been leaving. They keep getting into things and mucking them up. The evidence is abundant. I’ve asked around, but nobody has seen them. Nobody even knows what I’m talking about.

I asked Grandpa if he’s seen Rich and Chet and he replied “Who are Rich and Chet?” I told him they were our interns. “What interns?” I told him he that the Editor-in-Chief should try to pay a little more attention. He gestured for me to read between the lines. I assured him that I always do.

When I asked Sketchy about all of this he asked me if I thought he was Kreskin and told me to shut up because he didn’t know anyone named Rich or Chet.

Princess insists that I ate the rest of the ice cream. She says I promised her some and then I ate it all. Then she said that I should stop blaming everything on imaginary people and chipmunks. Then she punched me.

Bigfoot just winked at me. She’s weird. Then she told me to “lay off the pipe”. I’m sure I don’t know what she means.

Magic Dave wanted to know when we got interns. I told him he was at the meeting. He told me I was crazy. See if he gets to invited to the next staff BBQ.

It’s obvious to me that Rich and Chet have brainwashed the entire staff of Evil Robots, as I think that only one or two of them would willingly join the vast conspiracy working to destroy me. There’s going to be hell to pay around here. Rich and Chet are gonna get it. But until I can find them, I’d settle for them stopping defecating in my pajamas while I’m sleeping. It’s disgusting. Damn those bastards.