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A Recipe For Success
I am pretty sure that I am a genius, and I
think I have proof. First of all, last weekend Sketchy and
I drove from the Baltimore-Washington Metroplex to Key West
for, basically, a beer and then took in a Spring Training
game (see Kickin’
Back). Second, I’ve make the bold lifestyle choice
of being a Pretend Millionaire . But that’s all really
beside the point. Here’s why I am a genius. I have invented
the ultimate culinary delight: Candy Bar Juice.
That’s right. Candy Bar Juice. I can just hear you now slapping
your forehead exclaiming, "why the fuck didn’t I think
of that?! It’s so obvious!". Well, duh. Think about it-
it puts the joy of candy bars into the easy to consume and most
pleasurable format of juice. It is obvious.
Yes, obvious it is. But, it might be just a little more nuanced
than one might think. Let’s explore it just a tad, shall we?
Just what is the recipe for Candy Bar Juice? Charleston Chews and
OJ? No dummy. Stop being so stupid. If you’re not going to
take this seriously, don’t know why I’m sharing this with
you. It’s a masterstroke and you are just sitting there mocking
it. Knock it off.
Alright. Candy Bar Juice. Here’s my recipe:
Ingredients:
A Bunch of Candy Bars
Hershey’s Syrup
Instructions:
Put ingredients in blender. Sleuce it up good. Enjoy.
See, it’s so easy! Why
did nobody think of this earlier? You might be thinking- well that’s
just chunky chocolate sauce. Well, you are so wrong, buster. It’s
way more than that. It’s Candy Bar Juice! See, the wonderful
thing about it is that you can vary the ingredients to suit your
taste. You can go with Mounds, or Almond Joy, or even Heath Bars
if you are insane. You can also vary the amount of syrup to suit
the desired viscosity of the concoction- runny to thick and sludgy.
I mentioned this brilliant recipe to Dr, Sketchy in a meeting not
to long ago and he thought it was rather disgusting. He obviously
lack vision. I think it’s obvious why I’m CEO and he’s
not (I can breathe fire and smash cities to smithereens). Anyhow,
he found this concoction to be rather revolting. I was considering
punching him out, but then he proposed a rather subtle recipe change.
He suggested that the candy bars be compresses, much like making
olive oil. There is merit to this idea, since it eliminates the
need for the Hershey’s Syrup, which was quite frankly the weak
point of the recipe. But nuts to that I say. It would take too much
time! I want my Candy Bar Juice now! Forget Fresh squeeze when you
can get it a million times faster from concentrate. It’s too
much work, anyhow.
Now I haven’t actually made myself a nice brimming pitcher
of Candy Bar Juice yet. I haven’t been in the "right mood"
lately, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. Right. Anyhow,
with Spring quickly approaching I’m sure I’ll feel the
need to fall into an immediate and overpowering sugar comma. I always
do.
So, you can clearly see that I am a genius. There is no doubt.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go practice wearing
my sombrero. It’s almost spring and it’s not going
to wear itself.
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