Walking down the street, minding my business, wearing a new bra. Then, all of a sudden, OW! What the hell? There’s a goddamn wire trying to poke through my sternum! Why does this always happen to me? Sometimes I’ve even gotten so fed up I’ve ripped the wire out in the middle of work. And if it’s not that, it’s something else. Itchy maybe. Too pointy. Cups so low any motion makes one of my girls pop out. You know the routine. I’m starting to wonder if there’s even ONE good bar out there. So then I think "I don’t need this damn thing anyway." Big mistake. The constant flopping around of two semi-gelatinous weights on your chest will really make ‘em start to hurt. Maybe you girls with the teeny ones don’t get this particular problem. Well, be glad for your freedom then! Cause me – I hate wearing the bra and I hate not wearing it. Any choice I make, I’m screwed.

So, here’s my idea for our next big evolutionary change—adjustable size boobs. Say you want to play volleyball, just press down on those babies and shrink ‘em. Who the hell can serve a volleyball with bigguns anyway? Got a nice sexy dress but it’s too loose up top, hanging like a silken sack? Give ‘em a little massage and POOF! They swell up to a nice respectable size. Could even be your own floatation devise if your needed. It’s pure brilliance.

So, would one of you sugar daddies please either talk to The Big Guy about my adjustable size idea or give me some damn money to design something the likes of which this world has never seen. A comfortable, nice-looking, decently shaped, no obnoxious sternum-piercing wires, actually HOLDS your boobs, not gonna fall apart after three weeks BRA!

Oh! And no stupid bows either! Anyone wearing a bra is too old for silly ass bows.