Take that card and shove it!

Have you ever passed by those free priceline cards at the checkout line and thought "Huh. Maybe I should get one. My momma didn’t raise no chumps."? Well, keep on passing, baby! They ain’t worth the plastic they’re made with. I tried my hand at this little experiment today and MAN! What a waste of a website! There should be groups dedicated to their downfall. "Oklahoma Online Porn Stars For Undermining Cruel Kidder Priceline" They’d use their acronym obviously.

Anyway…I get home from grocery shopping with dreams of discounts on fresh basil, on Grapenuts, portabello mushrooms, pastas, zucchini, almond milk, fresh snowpeas. The stuff I really want when I go shopping. The visions of snow peas for less than $5/lb make me drool all over my mirrored shirt. At least I already bought Windex. I put the groceries away & head for the computer, my brain aswirl with images of the tasty food I’ll be eating soon. (See, these Evil Robots fools don’t pay me a living wage. I have to live in filth & then scrounge for change in the cracks of their office sofas just to feed myself and the little ones who scurry to my feet. Oh no, I don’t have any kids. It’s the hungry and pathetic headquarters vermin squad. See! Life sucks when you write for an internet magazine. Stay in school!)

Then, at the computer, I go to priceline.com. Hopeful, but beginning to feel the scam setting in. I see the little box off to the left -- "Groceries" and head on in. A list of approved categories shows up. My heart sinks. Not only do they have precious few categories, but even the ones they have don’t have any good choices within them. Take cereal for example. They have "sweetened family", "unsweetened family", "fiber & bran", "fruit & nut", and "hot cereal". I go to "fiber & bran" thinking that it might be where they’ve decided to stick my beloved grapenuts. Nope, just a bunch of loser cereals that no one would ever eat. I try "unsweetened family"…no luck there either. Bastards!

So, I go back to the beginning. Maybe I can at least get some fresh basil. Their "produce -- vegetables" area only has iceberg lettuce, baby carrots, tomatoes, potatoes, and broccoli. Losers! Why am I wasting my time?! (Can I sue them for the value of my time? After all, time is money, you know.) Every last section of this "money-saving" website SUCKS! All it’s good for is buying stuff that nobody really wants anyway. And to get more than 6 things for 1/2 price you have to sell your soul to the devil. Read the fine print. It’s in there.

I am ashamed and disappointed to say that an inordinate number of people I knew in my formative drinking years work for this sham savings plan which in truth is a time and personality stealer. The entire population of internet-addicted coupon fanatics will now eat only iceberg lettuce with cherry tomatoes, Kellogg’s AllBran, and chemistry set pasta mixes. I abhor America for creating and demanding this beast. I abhor my fellow Platypi who are busy creating a culture so homogenized and heavily advertised that even the staunchest stars-n-stripes patriots are siding with Jose Bove and the new French resistance. If you must take one of the priceline cards, take them all. Take them all and destroy them. Swoop in with your cape flying behind you as you fight for the last shred of decency and individuality that remains in this country before the bastards take that from us too.