Faster Gas My Ass

One night this weekend I was leaving Baltimore after a wonderful evening of Ethiopian food, wanderings around the inner harbor, and beer drinking with my love at a cool jazz club downtown. A perfect way to spend a Saturday…uh, except maybe getting soaked in the rain, but that’s a whole 'nother issue.

Anyway, we’re heading out of Baltimore when I notice a large roadside billboard which says "The Fastest Way to Get Gas" and has a Mobil symbol in the middle of it. Quite obviously an advertising stunt to get people to use the new Mobil Speedpass. Dumb people, that is. Well, I’m onto you, Mobil! Your advertising is a big lie!

In case you don’t understand, I’ll lay it all out for you. Taco Bell. Cabbage. Beans. Dairy. Chili. All these (and more) are ways to get gas even faster than with the Mobil Speedpass!!! Seriously. Time it sometime yourself to be sure. Start loading up with Gorditas, Nachos Bellgrande, and Pintos and Cheese, then head over and chow down on some cabbage at a nice Ethiopian place, and finish of your evening with a stop at a chili eating contest. You’ll get your Speedgas all right. You’ll get it just by THINKING about going out for a night like that.

Toot toot. Don’t pollute.

Mobil, on the other hand…well, they’re not only not fast enough at stirring up those gastrointestinal reactions; they’re also just not as fun. The big fizzle out DUD.

No big boom, just noxious fumes.

I challenge each and every one of you to put it to the test. You won’t be sorry. Then go, as part of your civic duty to promote truth in advertising -- and to promote truth everywhere, go out to a Speedpass billboard and bring with you a giant sticker of the Taco Bell logo or a huge cabbage or something (then watch out for the big check in your mailbox from the cabbage farmers). Show the world who’s REALLY responsible for their Speedgas.