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Why I hate Valentines Day

There are many reasons that I hate Valentines Day. Some of
these are probably pretty obvious- the shallow commercialism, and
the fact that I have pretty much ruined it for myself by being a
jerk. Actually, I dont mind the shallow commercialism. It
means candy.
I like candy.
Now, back to the task at hand: me telling you why I hate Valentines
Day. Hmm. Well, Ive already mentioned that I like candy- but
there is a dark side to all of these "sweets for your sweetie"
candies: most of them suck. Thats right, the holiday that
puts sweet in sweetheart has got the shittiest candy of any holiday.
Even worse than Memorial Day (with all the meat cooked on the grill,
and the corn on the cob, and all the fixins, theres
gotta be some tasty candy in there somewhere). What do you get for
tooth-rottin munchies on Valentines Day? Those crappy
hearts with the obnoxious messages on them. Now, Im all for
obnoxious messages- bot not if they are on re-shaped Neco Wafers!
YUCK! I cant stand Neco Wafers. They were all made in 1924
because people were going insane from prohibition, and they never
got eaten. They are still trying to get rid of the first batch.
They are all stored in a giant warehouse somewhere- probably Kansas.
Its quite possible that this stupid holiday was thought up
by the Neco people- not Hallmark- to get rid of all of their damned
shitty candy.
So thats one thing I hate about Valentines Day. Heres
another: no Charlie Brown Special. No wait. I just checked. There
is one. Fuck that. I cant remember it, so it cant be
any good. How could there be a "Would you be my Valentine,
Charlie Brown" TEEvee special and no "Lets get loaded
and cook us up a mountain of meat because its Memorial Day,
Charlie Brown" special? Whos ass do I have to kick over
there at CBS to get this situation fixed?
Heres a good one: it doesnt get anybody out of school
or work. So what good is it? Memorial Day does. Also, Valentines
Day is in February (a.k.a. the month called Chug). February is good
for nothing. Its cold and crappy outside. There is no baseball
in North America in February. If Valentines Day were properly
scheduled for a time when "love was in the air" it might
not be so bad. A suggestion would be to move it to spring (or as
the rest of the animal world calls it- "Getting It On
Season"), like Memorial Day.
I dont like kiddie porn. Sorry. Valentines Day has
the sorriest patron mascot of any holiday- major or minor. Labor
Day is proudly represented by the working American, Independence
Days got Uncle Sam all rootin tootin for the good
ole USofA, Santas got the goods, St. Patricks
Day has the Lucky Charms guy who really wants us to get loaded,
and Memorial Day serves up honor and gratitude to the veterans of
both world wars on a 26 inch Weber grill. Valentines Days
is represented by a little naked kid who shoots people in the ass
with his bow and arrow. Now Im all for naked people, and lord
knows I love the violence- but this is a sick and twisted combination.
Its almost as disturbing, conceptually speaking, as JonBenet
Ramsey. Not quite, but close. Look, if Cupid were personified by
a drunken frat boy streaking around town, possibly sharing his magic
elixir with people who needed some loosening up, well then that
would be an entirely different story. This new Cupid could even
be falling out of his toga, just like the old crappy one. To quote
a great man, "Aaaayyye!"
And Finally- the ultimate reason that I hate Valentines Day:
Its just not Memorial Day.
I want some barbecue, dammit.
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