Why I hate Valentine’s Day

There are many reasons that I hate Valentine’s Day. Some of these are probably pretty obvious- the shallow commercialism, and the fact that I have pretty much ruined it for myself by being a jerk. Actually, I don’t mind the shallow commercialism. It means candy.

I like candy.

Now, back to the task at hand: me telling you why I hate Valentine’s Day. Hmm. Well, I’ve already mentioned that I like candy- but there is a dark side to all of these "sweets for your sweetie" candies: most of them suck. That’s right, the holiday that puts sweet in sweetheart has got the shittiest candy of any holiday. Even worse than Memorial Day (with all the meat cooked on the grill, and the corn on the cob, and all the fixin’s, there’s gotta be some tasty candy in there somewhere). What do you get for tooth-rottin’ munchies on Valentine’s Day? Those crappy hearts with the obnoxious messages on them. Now, I’m all for obnoxious messages- bot not if they are on re-shaped Neco Wafers! YUCK! I can’t stand Neco Wafers. They were all made in 1924 because people were going insane from prohibition, and they never got eaten. They are still trying to get rid of the first batch. They are all stored in a giant warehouse somewhere- probably Kansas. It’s quite possible that this stupid holiday was thought up by the Neco people- not Hallmark- to get rid of all of their damned shitty candy.

So that’s one thing I hate about Valentine’s Day. Here’s another: no Charlie Brown Special. No wait. I just checked. There is one. Fuck that. I can’t remember it, so it can’t be any good. How could there be a "Would you be my Valentine, Charlie Brown" TEEvee special and no "Let’s get loaded and cook us up a mountain of meat because it’s Memorial Day, Charlie Brown" special? Who’s ass do I have to kick over there at CBS to get this situation fixed?

Here’s a good one: it doesn’t get anybody out of school or work. So what good is it? Memorial Day does. Also, Valentine’s Day is in February (a.k.a. the month called Chug). February is good for nothing. It’s cold and crappy outside. There is no baseball in North America in February. If Valentine’s Day were properly scheduled for a time when "love was in the air" it might not be so bad. A suggestion would be to move it to spring (or as the rest of the animal world calls it- "Getting’ It On Season’"), like Memorial Day.

I don’t like kiddie porn. Sorry. Valentine’s Day has the sorriest patron mascot of any holiday- major or minor. Labor Day is proudly represented by the working American, Independence Day’s got Uncle Sam all rootin’ tootin’ for the good ole’ USofA, Santa’s got the goods, St. Patrick’s Day has the Lucky Charm’s guy who really wants us to get loaded, and Memorial Day serves up honor and gratitude to the veterans of both world wars on a 26 inch Weber grill. Valentine’s Day’s is represented by a little naked kid who shoots people in the ass with his bow and arrow. Now I’m all for naked people, and lord knows I love the violence- but this is a sick and twisted combination. It’s almost as disturbing, conceptually speaking, as JonBenet Ramsey. Not quite, but close. Look, if Cupid were personified by a drunken frat boy streaking around town, possibly sharing his magic elixir with people who needed some loosening up, well then that would be an entirely different story. This new Cupid could even be falling out of his toga, just like the old crappy one. To quote a great man, "Aaaayyye!"

And Finally- the ultimate reason that I hate Valentine’s Day: It’s just not Memorial Day.

I want some barbecue, dammit.