Third Anniversary Special

Electro: Pointless Nostalgia?

Well, it's official. The 80's are making a comeback. The allegedly hip white kids in places like New York and Washington have been working on it for at least a year or so, but now it's only a matter of time before we start seeing 80's nostalgia everywhere. What makes this inevitable? Because now these kids have a soundtrack, and they call it "electro".

Sure, there's "That 80's" show on the TEEvee, but that doesn't mean anything. There are also "A-Team" and "Magnum" reruns on every day. It's the soundtrack that goes along with a trend that really pushes it into the mainstream. Just take a look at the whole grunge and punk scenes. Nobody really gave a shit about what those angry white kids had to say or what they wore until they hooked everyone up with some worthwhile music. But here's the difference between them and today's hipsters: punk was great, and grunge wasn't all that bad. But electro sucks.

First of all, it's completely based on the music of another era, with some extra influences thrown it. It is almost entirely synthesized. You've not heard of this new genre of music? Let me explain. It's almost completely based on new wave music from the early 80's. Electro sounds very old. There's nothing wrong with that, except that the music electro is being based on is, across the board, some of the lamest music of the last 50 years.

The 80's was the whitest decade of the second half of the 20th century, except for maybe the 50's, which was the decade in which white people pretended to invent rock and roll. If it weren't for the genesis of hip-hop during the early 80's, the entire decade would have been utterly regrettable, musically AND culturally speaking. The 80's were a decade when all soul went out the window in favor of badly synthesized music. I suppose because it was futuristic, or just easy to produce. Take a listen to what happened to brilliant and soulful musicians in the 80's, like Stevie Wonder for one. It's almost unbearable. No wait, it's completely unbearable. There's just no reason for it. And the same can be said for electro. It's not as bad as taking good music and making it sound horrible, was heard so often in the 80's. Or just having no musical ability, which was also heard a lot in the 80's (due to the ease of using synthesizers). But electro is, basically, modeled after that bad music.

Well, that's not entirely true. The actual essence of electro can be heard in songs like "Trans Europe Express" by Kraftwork and "Planet Rock" by Afrika Bambata. Those songs are pretty good, despite their lack of soul. Songs like this do not need soul in the more traditional sense, as they tap into some sort of future-vibe through well done and minimalist electronic quasi-funk that always retains a digital coolness. However, in the 80's, much of what followed such music was horrible. Flock of Seagulls. Depeche Mode. I don't even want to think of any more of it. The roots of good electro can be found in songs like "Riding in Cars" and "Tainted Love". But then every suburban rich kid who bought into the "new wave" media blitz picked up a keyboard with no notion of experimentation and ended up sings things like "Personal Jesus". Bad electro is the result of the corrupting influence of bad pop music, and I fear that the current permutation of electro is going to get undue influence from this tedious electro-pop of twenty years ago.

So some electro isn't bad. Actually, much of it is excellent. There is that small side of it that is definitely outstanding. That side of this musical movement are those who keep their focus on the future and not on the over-exposed past. There are groups out there that can take a splash of Kraftwerk and extrapolate on the minimalist essence of such electronic music. However, there are also groups like Adult, which just sound like an 80's tribute group. It's horrible. And I be damned if I am going to let today's hipsters demand that everyone start wearing overly stupid clothes with ridiculous hair styles and listening to Depeche Mode rehash. So please, if you feel the need to introduce yourself to this new genre of music, go pick up a Swayzak album and avoid Members Only Jackets and checkered Vans at all costs.

Nostalgia has never succeeded in creating good music. Music needs to be created for it's own behalf, and not out of some twisted memory of youth. So please take your 80's revivalism elsewhere and please, please don't screw up a fledgling, but promising, genre of music. Take your crimped hair elsewhere.

One final note: the first time I see anybody walking around with a pastel blazer with the sleeves pulled up, I'm lifting my self-imposed ban on assault and battery. The 80's was a bad decade for everything except for cars blowing up on television. I intend to keep it that way.