November 2001

Lee Greenwood is Satan

You heard it here first folks, Lee Greenwood is none other than the Master of Darkness himself, that two-horned, spiky-tailed little bastard from Hell, Mr. Beelzebuth E. Satan. This is not a joke, rather the coming to fruition of a theory which was developed back in 1991 during the Gulf War, in conjunction with the "Tony Orlando and Dawn" Yellow Ribbon expose.

When does Lee Greenwood ever appear in public? The first I ever heard of him was during the Gulf War, when "God Bless the USA" was on the radio station at all times, every day. The song dates back to the 1980s, and apparently made Greenwood a sensation in the country music world. But generally little else is ever heard of him, and he languishes in popular obscurity most of the time.

The trick with Satan is that he's always there, he just doesn't let you in on his presence. You have to be totally aware at all times or else, POOF!…there he is, and you've been gotten. Satan is generally assumed to be behind most wars, cause he's supposed to be really evil. He relishes in the bloody warfare and all the lives which come his direction. But do you suppose he causes war simply to claim a few lost souls? Uh-uh, it takes big money to keep Hell burning all year round, so he needs to boost income as well. Enter one ultra-bad ultra-patriotic song, and one Mr. Lee Greenwood.

I noticed it during the beginning of game 4 of the World Series. Greenwood comes out to thunderous applause, the crowd chanting "USA" over and over, like they were all possessed. He sings the song, the crowd roars, then he disappears. Record sales and radio play go up nationwide, the royalty checks start pouring in. Did you realize that "God Bless the USA" is available on 56 different albums? People can't get enough Lee Greenwood in times of war.

There is nothing you can do about this, except be aware and stay away from your local record store. Satan is a tricky guy, elusive and shifty to boot. Did I mention I've never seen Lee Greenwood in shorts and sandals? Where do you suppose he would keep his tail and cloven hooves hidden?

I can not confirm nor deny anything which I have uncovered in the course of this investigation, but Lee Greenwood has to be Satan. Why else would he sing at a Yankee game?