January 2001

I Have Potential

I am thinking about a career change. I mean, I have a job and everything, but I think that my life could be so much more. I have potential. However, not just any old new job will do, you know. I am head water cooler cleaner where I work now, and I don't want to have to pay those dues again.

So I have decided to become the dictator of an African country. I think I could join the Club of African Dictators quite easily. Plus, I hear that Congo is one leader short of a government. I certainly could not ruin that country any more than it has already been pillaged.

Seriously. First Mobutu Sese-Seko is in control for 30 years, reaping a huge fortune stolen from the people and the land. And Mobutu was hosted by all the great western powers. He met with Reagan for crissakes, because we felt that Congo would be a buffer against Soviet incursion into Africa. I could have met with Reagan too, you know. (Once, I shook Barbara Bush's hand, you know.)

Then, in a hugely bloody war that is still being fought in various parts of the country, Laurent Kabila takes over. Kabila 'freed' most of the country including the capital, Kinshasa, and suddenly he is the big man on the continent. (*Incidentally, Kabila, in his day, was a very 'robust' man, who fancied tight-necked suits that made his head appear to be popping out like a jack-in-the-box or Pez dispenser.)

When he took power, Kabila was hailed as a savior of the country, a man who hated dictators, and would not become one himself. Sadly, this was a lie, and Kabila went the route of so many sloganeering dictators before him. Instead of providing for the people, he gave them banners that read "Laurent-Desire Kabila, the people's choice" and a new war financed by the sale of oil and diamonds to it neighbors.

Job perks can include travel, palaces, and the ability to do whatever I want to an entire country. Sure there is a high probability of being deposed or assassinated. But since I am not planning on living a long time, that is no problem.