January 2002

I'm Back. And Not Wearing Pants

My return to school has meant many sacrifices for me. It has serious curtailed the frequency and quality of my contributions to this here online magazine. I had to cash in all my savings to pay for tuition and books. And, I have given up my previously glorious single apartment type lifestyle. You see, I once again have a roommate.

There are of course, distinct advantages to having a roommate. There are the obvious financial benefits. I am living in much nicer place then I would have been able to afford on my own (I'm completely serious about this, ask anyone about the place I used to live in.) There's also the unquantifiably nice feelings associated with just having someone else around. Also, my roommate has a dog.

Now, this is not to say that all is always well. My roommate and I do fight about all kinds of stuff, and it's nice somedays to just walk around the house in the pantsless state that God intended. Therefore, I truly celebrate when I have the house all to my self. Recently I had about a week of this kind of freedom, and I figured you'd all want to here about it. I mean that's why you are reading and article here (ERI Motto: It's interesting because it happened to us. Or is our motto: Who are you calling a psycho? We need some more interns up in this here magazine. Then they can do some fact checking. Then we can have some manner of zesty intern scandal.)

First of all, there is a strict no pants policy. But the best part about this policy is that there is no way to enforce it, because I would be the one bringing the pain to myself for ignoring my policy. Basically, it's a hopeless tangle of red tape. Anyway, since it is cold, I spent the last few days wrapped in two blankets. The first was wrapped around my waist. The second was a sort of cape. Because capes are cool. It's kind of like that first battle scene in Highlander, except they were wearing capes, and, there wasn't any kind of sword fighting. There was mostly laying on the couch and occasionally eating Chinese food.

Which brings us to the second point. I eat differently when I am around other people. The sheer quantity and lack of quality of the food I eat is an embarrassment to anyone who claims me as a friend, family member or roommate. And when I am alone I eat all the stuff I shouldn't. I clean out grocery store frozen food "snack" aisles. I am personally responsible for renovations to my local Chinese restaurants. By the way, in case you thinking, that this guy eats a lot of pizza, you are wrong. Pizza is for suckers. Suckers and people pretending to be slack, like on commercials. You know the one I'm talking about. That Trident gum one. Man, I want to punch that kid. Hard. In the face. With my steel-toed boots. I want to put my boots on my hands and punch him with them. Pizza, my ass.

Also, bad movies. Ever wonder how bad movies become cult favorites? I do that. I am sad to report there will be no new cult favorites. The video store has sunk below my abysmal standards.

Finally, PORNO PORNO PORNO. But that, sadly, is another article.