February 2001

Love is in the Air

I love Valentine's Day. It gives me a special chance to show that special someone my sweet and loving side. That aspect of my personality doesn't usually show through my tough exterior that really gets off on shoving people in front of Metrobuses. But this being the Valentine's Edition of Evil Robots, I have decided to share with you my Nev-R-Fail Method ™ to meet women.

The first step is to pick out the lucky lady. Sometimes its best to abandon the usual method and leave all the charts and files of high-power zoom photos at home and just listen to your heart. The Nev-R-Fail Method ™ demands that you hop in your van and head for a park. Living in DC, I naturally head straight for Rock Creek Park. This is where amour truly flourishes in Washington. Forget what you've heard about Georgetown, Adams-Morgan, and the Oval Office, the real action is all in Rock Creek Park.

Now, I can easily walk to Rock Creek Park from my apartment. Hell, I can spit into Rock Creek Park from my apartment. But Valentine's Day is only once a year and I really need to go all out to make sure that this will indeed be a special day. Following the Nev-R-Fail Method ™ means I go get my van from under the Ellington Bridge where I park it and go cruising.

Everyone knows that one of the best way to pick up women is to have a bitchin' set of wheels. Oh, and do I ever. My sweet ride is a totally tricked out van. It's a classic. It's a '78 Dodge. The exterior is nothing to get excited about- no airbrush painting of the dessert or fancy hard spare wheel cover, but it gets the job done, no questions asked. At least I've managed to put on one solid coating of gray primer, so it doesn't look like such a rust bucket. Except for the bottom of the left door and the floor in front of the front passenger seat.

The inside makes up for any failings on the outside. The stuffing is coming out of the passenger seat just a little bit and the vinyl on the back of the driver's seat is torn just a bit, but no matter. I found some great shag carpeting in a dumpster behind CarpetLand. It was just like new! I put it down in the back of the van. I covered the bare metal walls with posters and photographs. And a map. The map is important. It's marked with all the best place to pick up women. I replaced the broken interior door handles with fine braided rope and hung a black light from the ceiling. But the piece de resistance is the full size bed in the back. That's right. That really impresses the ladies because see that I spare no expense to make them comfortable. I found a great mattress left by a curb in Georgetown. I put plastic over it to keep it from going moldy with all the humidity around here that seeps through the rested-out spot in the back door. Very nice. I even make sure to change the sheets regularly.

You get the picture. The Nev-R-Fail Method ™ demands a chick magnet van. The next step is to simply just drive through the park. Any park will do. Any place where you are likely to encounter Women and that allows you complete privacy. This Valentine's Day I was fortunate enough to encounter several lucky ladies. They were practically leaping at me and banging on the doors to get into my van. Or was it that I was leaping at them and they were banging on the doors to be let out? I really can't remember. But what's really important is that they can't either. My aphrodisiac is just that powerful. Apply it to a rag, and women are defenseless against my charms.

After a fine evening of romance, remember to be a gentleman and drop your date off properly. Instead of just dumping her in a field, try to finish off you date with a stroll along the river. Or maybe even a late swim. This is surely the key to success of the Nev-R-Fail Method ™. On this Valentine's Day I treated my special lady to a swim in the Potomac.

Truly a romantic evening.

That's how I spent my Valentine's Day. Either that or I drank a bottle of scotch and passed out in front of the tube and then smacked my head on the toilet after I came to in the bathroom. One or the other. I really can't remember.

I hit my head a lot.