February 2002

Grandpa and Justy: Sweet Sixteen

Author's Note
I have an autographed picture of my brother, Justy, on my desk at work. It is nestled on my desk among the other pictures. People say that we look very much alike. Some guess that we are twins. They are wrong, of course, but I don't always tell them so. I like lying to my co-workers.

Justy calls me at least once a week. For his job, he travels his back and forth across the country several times month. The calls are not always long, nor are they always deep and meaningful. In fact, last week he called from a diner outside of Madison, Wisconsin, that sold a reuben pizza. He likes to call, and I always take the time to talk with him.

When I set out to write this memoir, he called two and three times a day with stories and additional details to stories he already recalled to me. As it turns out, my memories of youth are different that those of my brother, but not vastly so.

Justy kept a diary from March 1990 to September 1992. His is not a typical diary. Instead of keeping track of his feelings and his dreams, he noted only occurrences. He has a complete record of personal and academic accomplishments from that time in his life.

His diary keeps me honest, tethered.

The Adventures of Grandpa and Justy
Sweet Sixteen

The look of love alarms
Because 'tis fill'd with fire;
But the look of soft deceit
Shall win the lover's hire.
William Blake

(It is the summer of 1991. Justy is fifteen. I am sixteen. We are both quickly approaching our birthdays. We are born on the same day in October, 1974 and 1975, respectively. We were going to be juniors in High School.)

It was August, and Justy was dating this girl, Kelly Denton. I was dating as well. But, my sort-of girlfriend, Keri Long, longed hopelessly for the affection of a boy back in Michigan. My unplanned late summer project was to free her of thoughts of that boy.

This Wednesday, August 7th marked the sweet sixteenth birthday for both young ladies. Ms. Denton wanted Justy to give her dinner and romance. Keri wanted nothing. She hoped to be with me, but she did not want us to be together.

I liked being with her. She was pretty and smart, and rather than spend free evenings at crowded house parties, she preferred lying on top of a car watching the stars.

Keri's parents were lawyers. They succeeded in their respective firms, and part of being successful meant they attended many parties. She spent many weekend of her childhood and teenage years at lawyer parties and benefits and galas. The mere suggestion that we stop by a party sickened her. She did not begrudge her family their fortune. In fact, her parents were good parents. But I will discuss that later. She did not like parties because she felt trapped by the expectations and judgements. Sure, parties were fun. There is dancing and singing along and hours of usually unsupervised

Kelly Denton, on the other hand, enjoyed dragging my brother from place to place, secret corners or crowded malls, in search of fun, excitement, and distraction. She was not the opposite of Keri, but she certainly appeared to be at times.

At no time did their differences show more than on their birthdays. As I noted earlier, they shared a birthday, and a special one at that - sweet sixteen.

Kelly wanted a very traditional party. She also wanted Justy to take her out for a fancy dinner beforehand. His burden was great; especially great because he did not have a car.

Because Keri specifically asked me not to throw her a party, my burden was significantly less than Justy's. I did not need my car. He needed my car. Unfortunately for Justy, he actually co-owned a car. He co-owned a 1968 Chevy Chevelle with our father. I also co-owned a car with our father. I drove a 1972 Dodge Dart Swinger.

Possibly before our conception, our father decided that his children would be forced to buy and rebuild their first car. He wanted his children to own cars easily repaired with a tool-box and a Chilton's manual. So, on my fifteenth birthday, he and I opened the want-ads in the local paper to search for a project car. Dad made a deal with me that day. If I paid for half of all the costs of buying, rebuilding and perfecting the car, he would help me with the project. For the next nine months, we worked ten to fifteen hours a week turning a rusted old car into a sweet driving machine.

I was the only sophomore to drive my own car to school. And what's more, I was the only student at the entire high school to drive a car not given to him by his parents.

So while the circumstances appeared dire for my younger brother, I arranged for both Justy and I to have our individual needs fulfilled. I offered to drive him, with his girlfriend, to a restaurant for a romantic birthday dinner. While he dined his way into her heart, I would spend time alone with Keri. I planned on driving to a secluded corner of town in hope of birthday surprises and diversions. When two hours had passed, I would pick up the love-birds from dinner and drive all four of us to a special "Sweet Sixteen" party being held in Kelly's honor at her father's house.

This plan was perfect. The plan was not original, nor unprecedented, but it beat the other option which was for our mother to drive Justy all over town. And, in the end, I appeared to all as a selfless, loving brother.

We each spent the bulk of the day preparing for what we hoped would be a memorable night. Justy tried on nearly every outfit either one of us owned. He made two or three dozen phone called to friends and acquaintances, reminding them about the party for Kelly at 10pm that evening.

I, on the other hand, baked some cupcakes from scratch. I decorated them with frosting and sprinkles. I spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping in front of the television.

At seven o'clock that evening, Justy and I left home to pick up our ladies and, hopefully, have a good evening. We first picked up Kelly because she lived only a few blocks away from our house. Keri lived in an entirely different part of the town, two miles from the house.

Justy and Kelly sat in the large, green back seat in the Dart. He wore a sharp looking navy blue suit with a white shirt and patterned tie. His date wore a small, strapless, baby blue dress. They made a very cute couple.

My 'date', on the other hand wore a denim skirt that ran down to just above her knees. Her hair was clipped back, exposing her long neck. I was beside myself. A simple, white, button down shirt hung over her waist. This shirt was extraordinary. It was low cut and tight fitting, casually sexy.

We almost matched. I wore a white bowling shirt, blue jeans, and Chuck Taylor high tops. Simplistically cute.

Keri and I dressed as if we had been dating for months of years, comfortable with each other so much that we did not feel compelled to overdress for any occasion., while in fact we were not even dating. The other couple dressed as if they were on their first prom date. All together, we were quite a sight.

I dropped Justy at Torrino's Italian Restaurant. Torrino's was the fanciest place a high school student could take his favorite lady without breaking his bank. As they walked, hand in hand, into the restaurant, I pulled away, with orders to return no later than nine thirty.

We drove to a lock by the old Erie Canal. She wanted to sit with me on a picnic bench. We sat next to each other on this bench two or three nights a week. Under the quiet sky we spent hours talking about politics and love and time and the future. We were comfortable together on that bench.

But while she told be about her anxiety about the upcoming school year, I could think of nothing but her sweet voice.

"My parents moved out here to be closer to my grandparents, but we hardly ever see them." She moaned.

"But you see them more than you did before the move, right?" I asked.

"Yes, but not as much as I would like."

"I could take you over to their house some day if you want. That would not be a problem."

"That's not necessary. Anyway, they would think that I was dating you."

I gasped, "And what would be the problem with that?"

"You know I am not ready for that," she said.

"Yes, you make that quite clear." I said. She referred to her long-distance relationship, the boy from Michigan. While she called me every day, and while she went out with me day after day, she refused to admit that she was interested in a relationship. To some, that would be frustrating. But, on the contrary, I was relieved with the regular assurance that she and I would not be any more serious than our growing platonic relationship. I enjoyed the hassle-free relationship. Actually, I was fooling myself for half of the time. The other half of my time was spent wondering why I could not fool myself more of the time.

"Please don't take this the wrong way, Ted, but I think that if we dated, I would officially become part of this community, and no longer the 'girl from Michigan.' That is what I cherish most."

"What does that mean?"

"I spent the entire sophomore year being the 'girl from Michigan' and not a regular townie. That gave me the freedom to leave this place at any time without hindrances - without burning any bridges.

"You are my closest friend, and you are the only person who knows that." She paused to breath. "I still have my freedom."

"Freedom from what?"

"Freedom from suburbia."

"This is America, the suburbs are everywhere."

"But this town is different. There is no business here. Other than that one gas station near the city line, the entire town is made up of homes. Homes and a few schools. Nothing more. We are living in a boarding school."

"Sprawl will do that to ya," I said.

"Very funny, but I am serious. This place does not seem right. And I think you see that if you join mid-stream rather than being bred here, like you."

"I know exactly what you are saying, Keri. And what's more, whatever problems people have here are trifling compared to what people suffer from all over the world. Hundreds of well meaning people have unwittingly raised a generation of comfortably ignorant young adults."

She looked at me and smiled. "And I cannot help but think that becoming a part of this strange community would only change me from the kind of person I want to someone else."

"But it already has, in a sense. So what are you worried about?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, in order not to be a part of this community, if it is one, you isolated yourself from others. And that is not the way you were before you came here."

"Yeah, but so what?"

"So everything! All I am saying is that you let our school, and our community, change you into a different person. You lost your first battle, and have been behind ever since."

"But I was always the same person on the inside. That never changed."

"Yes, but who's to say you would not be even better had you been more forthcoming from the start?"

"I don't know." She said. "You may be right, but that does not mean I made a mistake. I only failed to possibly take a step forward. That could have been a huge mistake."

"No. When you are fifteen years old the biggest mistake you can make is not to try. You can always go back - this is not real life, you know."

"That for sure. But I never got the impression that people here knew about making mistakes or taking chances. Where I grew up, almost everyone's parents remembered the riots and the anti-war protests. They grew up in a time when people made big choices. But you and I are growing up in a time when there are no big choices. Not that there is nothing to believe in, but there is more of a movement to become a college graduate that there is to be a leader of men.

"There are people in foreign countries having trouble putting food on the table. And there are those who are not free to speak out against their government. But that is not happening now. This is the nineties. Even in a recession, the country is strong compared all others in the world."

I wiped beads of sweat from my forehead. "You are very special, you know that."

She punched my shoulder. "Don't condescend me, Ted. I am not a girl anymore."

"That's not what I meant, Keri. You have very little to fear."

I stood up and walked behind my car. I removed one small present and the box of cupcakes. I lit the candles and walked around the car towards her.

"Happy Birthday!" I yelled. "I know you did not want a party, but I was not going to let this special day pass without at least the blowing out of candles."

I handed her the box of cupcakes. She smiled. Her hands were shaking while she listened to me sing the happy birthday song.

"Where did you buy these?"

"I didn't buy them. I made them from scratch. Everything but the wrappers, candles and sprinkles."

She tossed the cupcakes on the hood of the car. The still lit candles whipped to the brink of extinction, only to return again. She leaned close to me and kissed me on the lips.

This was not a normal kiss.

As far as I knew, there were two kinds of kisses a girl could give you, and this was the kiss-me-more kiss. The other option was the stop-after-this kiss. The latter was the kiss you could get from your mom or dad or grandparent. The former was always intimate.

We kissed for almost a minute. She pulled back slightly and said, "I am officially cheating on my boyfriend. I hope you are happy."

I kissed her quickly, then said, "It is a mixed blessing for you, maybe, but I am not concerned at the moment."

"We should probably go soon, Ted." She said with her arms still clinging tightly to me.

"Not before you blow out your candles."

She leaned over and blew them out with one quick puff of breath. She grabbed two cupcakes and turned to me again. She handed me a cupcake and I handed her a small, wrapped present.

"What is this?"

"Something I made for you last week." It was a small, framed photograph of her I had taken when we visited the State Museum. The photo was of her standing in front of a giant bear. When I wrapped the gift, I did not know she would have kissed me at that point. I meant the gift to be very platonic. It seemed very much out of place at this point.

"That is very nice, Ted. I half expected the picture to be of you."

"This way you have a photo that will remind you of me, without me being in it. You can take it to Michigan next week."

"We'll see about that."

With her upcoming visit to Michigan around the corner, patience would be the better part of valor. But, being sixteen, I did not have the patience I have today.

For the time being, I was able to compose myself and drive with her to pick up Justy and Kelly. We were a few minutes early, so we sat alone in the parking lot together in each others arms. I listened intently to the sound of her heartbeat. The rhythm put me into a semi-trance state, and I did not notice when Justy approached the car.

JUSTY'S INTERLUDE:

It was just a little bit after seven when Grandpa dropped Kelly and me off at Torrino's. As Grandpa alluded to earlier, it would have been nice if I could have driven us, but having him drive was a fair shake better than having mom or dad drive us around. I told Grandpa that he was to pick us up no later than 9:30 so we could get to the party at Kelly's house on time. Additionally, I knew that he would get too wrapped up with Keri if I wasn't specific on the time, so I had to lay the guidelines down.

Kelly looked absolutely fantastic for her birthday dinner. I had been saving up for weeks for this dinner, knowing that it was my job to assure my pretty lady had the best time possible. Plus, she expected the best, and who was I to let her down? Kelly was undoubtedly the prettiest girl I had ever gone out with, and no way I was gonna screw anything up. Hell, I was so far gone with her that the marriage comments never failed around the house.

I had scouted Torrino's earlier in the week to pick the best seats in the place. A busy restaurant to be sure, but I talked my way into a little corner table, mostly secluded, with mostly candlelight. I was going to knock Kelly's stockings right off, but first I had to treat her to a flawless dinner.

We were seated by Alfonso, a paunch little Italian man who had helped me select the table earlier in the week. He saw me at the door and yelled out "Hallo now! Look at the beautiful birthday girl and her, uh, passable date!"

"Hey now," I blushed a little bit at his comment, but he just winked and said "You know I just a kidding with you my friend! Hows about we get you two seated, eh?"

Kelly leaned over to me and said "You know this guy? What are you keeping from me?" I flinched for a second, but she looked at me again and said "It's cute." I also got a kiss. Any nerves I had coming in to the evening flushed away right there. I held her hand until we got to the table, and grudgingly let it go only to seat her.

The setting was perfect - we were seated just around the corner from the main booths, and we could only really be seen from the bar. Small candles provided just enough light to see each other, food be damned. Mind you, I was hungry but also rather poor, despite my savings from various work opportunities. My plan was to let Kelly order, and then see what I could get with what was left. I walked into Torrino's with $37.28 in my pocket. If that couldn't buy two solid meals for a couple of 15 and 16 year old kids, I was obviously not eating out enough to know.

"This is so sweet of you Justin," Kelly said. I couldn't help but become snared in her eyes, all bright and brown. She could knock me down with one glance, anywhere in between angry or seductive. She was leaning towards the latter.

"I can't think of a better way to kick off your sweet sixteen. Besides, I'm thoroughly psyched to be dating an older woman." She laughed at that comment, and touched my hand from across the table.

"Just as long as you can keep up with me, young man." We both laughed, and I leaned over and gave her a kiss. We were so totally comfortable right then, and things were rolling perfectly so far. Kelly picked up her menu.

"Hmm…what do you think I might like? I haven't eaten here in a long time, and you seem to be a regular, so I'm gonna have you choose something." I nodded and looked at my menu. I think I might have blacked out immediately after.

I had planned out the night so well. I picked the place. I picked the table. I got Grandpa to drive. He went off with Keri, I went out with Kelly. I never looked at the god damn menu! I have $37.28 in my pocket, and only now do I realize that a simple spaghetti and marinara plate costs $13.50 at Torrino's. Spaghetti and marinara was not good enough for Kelly Denton, MY Kelly Denton, on her 16th birthday. Son of a…

"Well, um, Kelly, um, do you want to start with an appetizer?" Idiot!

"Mmm, yeah. How about we get some garlic bread, and mozzarella sticks?" $4.50 + $5.50 = $10. I am now at $27.28.

"Sounds good to me. Um, and you want a Coke? I'm just gonna have water."

"Yeah, I want a diet Coke." $1.75, but free refills. Still, that leaves me at $25.53. Ok, maybe I just won't eat. I can munch on free bread while she eats chicken cacciatore or veal parmesan or whatever the hell she's gonna order.

"I think you might like the…lasagna. How do you feel about lasagna?"

"I love lasagna! What are you gonna have?" Lasagna is $15. I have just over $10 in my pocket, not including tax and tip and I'm starting to stress like Grandpa would. I'm usually the rational brother, and here I am in this crap. This totally sucks.

"I'm gonna have…the soup. A nice bowl of pasta e fagioli, that's all I think I'll want to eat after we go through the appetizers and whatnot." $3.50 for the soup, leaving $7 for tax and tip. Scoreboard.

"What? I'm gonna feel like such a pig, Justin! Besides, this is a special night, and I'd feel bad if you only ate a little bit here." Kelly's eyes were slowly turning from seductive to offended. I guess I got back some of my rational thinking right about here.

"Kelly, I'm just not all that hungry. But I would be happy to help you with the lasagna if it's too much for you. I think it might even be more romantic." Boy, I thought I was #1 ace with that idea. Kelly looked at me for just a moment. This was the whole night, right here.

"You are such a dork sometimes, Justin." She smiled and reached out for my hand again. "But you are such a sweetheart. My mom swears we're going to get married, the way you treat me."

The second wave of relief rushed over me, and I just giggled a little bit at her comment. Then she looked all serious for a second and said "No Justin, you really are so sweet to me. And I love that." She kissed me, and that seemed to seal the evening.

Dinner went fantastic. I had my soup, and shared the lasagna with Kelly. I even begged and pleaded with Alfonso to get some of the staff to sing "Happy Birthday" to Kelly, and get her a piece of cake. She got a cannoli with a candle instead, but it didn't really matter. We talked a little bit about stuffs and things, but all that mattered was us being there together. Imagine me, stupid little 15 year old boy sweeping this girl off of her feet. Never mind that she was not even a whole year older than me, just the whole thing went so well. I was cursing myself for having Grandpa come back so soon, but figured the party would bring a whole new environment for fun.

At about 9:20 we got up to pay the bill and wait in front for Grandpa and Keri. We were sitting on a little bench in front of Torrino's, cuddling together. Kelly then said "I know you didn't bring so much money tonight, and I just wanted to tell you again how sweet I thought you were. This dinner couldn't have been any better."

I looked up into the night sky and said "Sure it could have. I could have eaten a full plate." Kelly smacked me in my stomach and we both laughed. We looked at each other again, and kissed until Alfonso came out and yelled "Hey there kids, don't you go scaring business away with your little kissy-kissy act! Get yourselves on before I un-happy her birthday! No, I am just kidding, you two kids have a great birthday!"

"Thank you Alfonso," we both said. Just then, I noticed the Swinger across the parking lot. "Hey Kelly, I guess Keri and my brother are already here. Are you ready to go party now?"

"Only if you keep by my side all night." As well as I knew the night had gone so far, I figured things were looking up even further.

"Not a problem." I kissed her one more time before we went to the car to go on to her father's house.

This ends my portion of the narrative. Back to Grandpa.

He knocked on the driver's side window. "Hey, wake up you! We have a party to be at!"

I opened the car door to let Kelly into the back, but I pulled Justy aside before he could step to the car.

"Brother, this has been a good night for me."

He replied, "That's good. It looks like you and I are going to ace this evening. The party is going to be great."

"I hope so, for your sake."

"I would not worry. Dinner went well enough so I do not have to be concerned about the party." He slapped me on the back and hopped into the car.

We drove to Kelly's father's house. There were about a dozen cars in the driveway and a number of people hanging out in the driveway. The party was being held on the pool patio in the back of the house. A crowd had already assembled.

Keri and I stayed behind in the car. She did not want to go to the party.

"I don't know any of those people, and they don't know me."

"So what? You are with Justy and me, and that is all they need to know. By that fact alone you will have two dozen friends at the party."

"But what will they be tomorrow?"

"No different. You should not worry so much. This is going to be fun."

"Will it be alright if you and I snuggle here for a few minutes before we go in."

"That is fine."

After thirty minutes, we walked into the party. The party was fantastic. After the party I drove Keri home. She kissed me goodnight and we promised to talk later that day. By the time I arrived home, Justy had made the walk home from Kelly's.

He followed me upstairs to my room. He sat in my chair while I lay on my back in my bed.

"I hope you had a good night, Justy."

"I did, thank you. This could not have been more perfect. I owe you."

"No, you don't."

"That's not for you to decide. Anyway, I think you may need some help."

"And how," I said, "We kissed tonight."

"How is that not a good thing?"

"Well, she is still in love with that Michigan boy. As much as I hate to admit it, I am still second banana in here world."

"Maybe in the whole world, but not in our world. You are number one guy here."

"Not in her mind. On the one hand, she wants to be with me, but on the other, she wants to be true to this boy who lives hundreds of miles away from her."

"That was your problem yesterday, brother. Today you cracked the nut. You are doing much better now. Is it safe to say that you got your tongue in the door?" He laughed, then giggled a lot.

"Very funny."

"I thought so."

"This is and is not what I intended for this evening." I said.

"There was no 'not' in your intentions today. You have been trying to become her boy friend for the past five weeks. You are frustrated because you are in a committed relationship now. You should take some time to be happy with the good luck you have." Said Justy, wagging his finger at me.

"You're right. I am afraid that she will go home tonight and look at a picture of her Michigan boy, freak out, then ask me to stop seeing her. She likes pushing people away."

"I can't believe the loser talk coming from you. Aren't you the same brother of mine who built his own car? His own stereo? The same brother who made five hundred dollars in winnings during this past NCAA tournament? Why are you so worried about this?"

"It is different."

"Why? Because your feelings are involved? Please. Your rarely get involved in a project you cannot complete."

"But this project is another person. I thought I could be cool about this, but I cannot. I want to get on the roof and shout for joy! But I don't want to get all high on my horse before I know that she is not going to run back her old habit."

Justy sighed, "You were the one who declared in May that you were not going to try hard for anything anymore. This is your mess. I can't help you unless you are ready to accept your fate - whatever that is."

"Maybe I am trying too hard these days. That is such a hard habit for me to break."

"I can only say that I am tired and I want to go to bed. You are on your own until I wake up tomorrow. Just promise me that you will not call her or anyone else until you eat breakfast."

"Why breakfast?"

"Just do as I say. Good night."

He closed the door and walked back to his room. I laid on my back for another two hours before I fell asleep.