March 2001

Life in the Turbo Lane
The Lives of Commuters Special

Commuting sucks. My commute sucks. My commute is proof that I am an idiot. I live in one city and work in another. I commute from Washington, DC to Baltimore. Every day. I get to deal with four rush hours a day. One per city each way. Every day.

You may ask why I set myself up for such a crappy commute. You can ask all you want, but it's really none of your business. I'll give you the quick answer- because I'm an idiot, that's why.

It's not too bad, really. By car it's a 35 miles drive. This can take anywhere from 35 minutes to 2 hours. It usually takes about 45 minutes, but last night it took an hour and a half. Why? Because it was raining. The Beltway in DC grinds to a halt under any odd atmospheric conditions, whether it be rain or just a poorly placed sun. Traffic reporters even make sure to mention that traffic is stopped because of sun glare. I think it's mostly to make us sorry commuters cry. Nothing is more insulting and frustrating than a traffic jam caused by the sun. Unless maybe the Earth has altered its orbit so that the sun is close enough to melt cars and their passengers into a pool of molten metal and burnt meat. I could accept that, as far as the sun causing a traffic jam at any rate.

Sometimes I take the train. That's nice. I can read and even nap. But it costs more money than it would to drive. And I have to wake up earlier. So I usually drive. I'm pretty cheap. And notoriously lazy. Hell, I'd probably turn down the advances of a Brazilian super model for an extra 7 minutes of sleep. I don't know why my alarm clock snoozes on increments of 7 minutes, but that's what it does. As a result, the multiplication table of 7 is the only math I can do early in the morning. Or ever.

But back to my commute. It's hell. It's going to kill me. But, apparently, it's worth it. I'm never later to work than my standard 15 minutes. Unless there's a traffic jam. And there often is. I have a "reverse commute", so it's usually not too much of a problem, but sometimes you're screwed no matter what. There was one morning a few months ago that the traffic was so bad in the morning in DC that the traffic reporters were actually laughing. They couldn't believe what was transpiring. Every major commuter route into the city had a back up of at least 5 miles. Some were backed up way over 10. And this was at 9 am, when rush hour is usually just about over. Everyone was late to work. Everyone. Even some of the roads leaving out of town, the ones I use, were backed up. It was disgusting.

I drive in DC. I drive in some of the worst traffic known to mankind. Allow me to give a few examples of classic DC traffic jams that have occurred over the last few years. These aren't the usual 3-5 mile backups at the Wilson Bridge or your standard mess on Georgia Avenue. These are world class monsters.

• A few years ago, during the PM rush hour, some jerk decided he was going to end his life by jumping off the Wilson Bridge. The Woodrow Wilson Bridge is on the Beltway on the southern side of the city. It's over the Potomac River. It was designed 40 years ago to handle about 40,000 cars a day. Today it handles over 180,000 cars a day and 3% of the Gross Domestic Product. Every day. It's also falling apart, but that's another story. So it's constantly a mess. Then one guy decided he was going to jump off it. This man was obviously brain-dead. The Wilson Bridge is not that high. It's a draw bridge (on an interstate highway, to add to the mess). If you want to jump of a bridge in DC, you head up to Adams Morgan and plummet off the Ellington Bridge. It has pointy rocks at the bottom. Hell, people have survived jumping of the Bay Bridge, and that fucker is huge. So anyhow, this guy is standing on the edge of the Wilson Bridge during rush hour getting ready to end his life. The police show up and close the bridge. This causes backups in either direction well over 20 miles. For hours. And hours.

• Another fantastically horrible accident occurred at the interchange known as "The Mixing Bowl". This is where I-95 meets the Beltway heading south in Virginia. This is one of the most congested interchanges in the nation. There is always a backup there. Especially now since it is being rebuilt. Massive construction. Anyhow, about a year ago during the morning rush hour a fireworks truck overturned. A fireworks truck. A truck full of explosives. As a result, the interchange was closed for something like six hours while the accident was carefully cleared away. This caused a backup of something like 25 miles on 95 of angry commuters trying to get to work. What a mess.

• But the most sick and twisted accident in recent years also occurred during the morning rush. This one was on I-66, coming into DC from the west. The accident was cause when a man got into an argument with his girlfriend on his cell phone. The conversation didn't end well. After hanging up, the man pulled a pistol out from under his seat and shot himself. In the head I believe. The man survived, but not until after he had careened into the car next to him and slammed into the jersey wall. The resulting traffic jam was 16 miles long. If this had occurred any earlier than 9 AM, the traffic jam could have been considerably longer. What a mess.

My commute is usually not so horrible. Like I said, I pretty much go in the opposite direction as almost everyone else. I zoom along on the inner loop at 70 while traffic on the outer loop of the Beltway pretty much idles along. The Beltway can be and endless parking lot if you hit it at the wrong time (which is pretty much most of the time). Then I swerve onto 95 and can usual notch it up to 80 or so. The evening commute is pretty much the same story but in reverse. Also, I have a convertible, so it's not so bad.

But still, I witness some incredibly unsane acts of stupidity and almost near death on a fairly regular basis. There are people on the cell phone swerving around like drunk. Morons too busy reading- sometimes books- to pay attention to driving. People doing their make-up. Slow-ass Canadians in the Turbo Lane. Hell, I've even seen people driving in clown costumes on 95. Nothing surprises me any more.

I would probably have to say that the worst thing I face on my commute is in the evening on the way home. I've been at work far too long and I'm tired. Quite often I have to fight off a nap on the Beltway. Driving on the Beltway is probably just about the worst place to fall asleep in the world except for maybe a volcano. I haven't dozed off yet, but I've come close. However, I have learned to use the art of micro-sleep at a few particularly heinous traffic lights. Especially that bastard at Georgia Avenue coming off the Beltway. My eyes open about every 5 seconds as my brain shut off until it reacts to "RED TURN GREEN = GO". Then I am awake and off to the races.

I think I hate Georgia Avenue the most. I only drive on it for about a half a mile in each direction each day. But it's hands down the most frustrating part of my drive. Always packed. There's always an idiot trying to make a left at a light. This is forbidden during rush hours. All the other angry commuters honk and honk and honk. If you should ever attempt to make the forbidden left on Georgia Avenue, the loud, loud stream of obscenities you will hear is me. I'm behind you. My roof is open. I'm trying to get home before I fall asleep. This might just be the last thing you hear. You know, should I ever have a daughter, I think I'll name her Georgia Avenue.

Let me tell you, I know road rage. It's staring me in the face every time I glance into the rear view mirror. So get out of my way, you slow bastard.