In the late 60's/ 70's/early 80's, the people at Fisher Price decided to make action figures that did not carry weapons or fight, so they created the Adventure People. These figures were made to save people and have adventures. Hence the name. The figures were supposed to go to work and hang out with their friends, enjoying the freedoms all Americans cherish - the freedoms GI Joe and Star Wars figures protect!

You see, the cost of freedom is eternal vigilance - something GI Joe, Spider Man, and the $6 Million Man know all too well. They have no time to party with the ladies because they are always on maneuvers or fighting someone. Besides, those jerks attack people for fun.

The Adventure People represent the greatest achievement of the American experiment - they relax on the weekend! Hiking, moto-cross biking, and kayaking are all part of the American Dream, and the Adventure People live it! They drink Mountain Dew and Old Milwaukee with their buddies, confident that GI Joe and his friends will keep American safe for weekend adventures.

The figures came with Adventure Sets: Deep Sea Divers with boat and shark; bike racers with van; hikers with a tent and jeep. Of course, in the safe and friendly confines of your back yard or bed room, the adventure sets were merely starting off points for your figures' long weekends. The bike riders would meet up with the research scientists for a bar-be-cue or for a kayak trip down the basement stairs. Unlike your GI Joe figures, who spent all of their time fighting with Cobra, and vice versa, the Adventure People logged in extra hours at the beach.

But what is it that tips us off to the true nature of the Adventure People? Well, aside from their stated hobbies, there is something else very important. As you can see from the pictures we have included, the right hand of the figures is shaped to hold a can or bottle of liquid refreshment, and the left hand is shaped to hold a cigarette. There is no doubt, based on this evidence, that the Fisher Price Adventure People liked to party AND go on adventures. They live the high life all weekend long.

We suspect that in the original product development stages at Fisher-Price, these dudes were called "Party People". But maybe parents wouldn't want to buy those. So the geniuses at Fisher-Price developed these action figures to truly embody the spirit of partying that, in retrospect, seems to have become dominant in the late 70's and early 80's. These people didn't just party, they went on adventures. Drunken camping trips complete with a rope swing into a lake off a rock, dirt-biking, rock-climbing, water-sports, cowboy-hat-wearing, and so forth. The unspoken subtext, obviously, is that there's always a cooler nearby and a pack of Reds in the front pocket. Sadly this subtext is lost on most children, who aren't so familiar with the beer & cigarette hand positions.

We didn't fully realize this ourselves until we went to college for a while. Then, one night, we sat wasting our early adulthood on the quad and realized- holy shit, we're fucking Adventure People! It's all about The Stance. Beer & cigarette, with one foot slightly forward. This positioning of your body says that you are ready to fucking party. You are so ready to fucking party that you can just stand there perfectly motionless and people will walk by and say, "Fuck! Look at that fucker party!" The Stance makes that happen.

Add a dirty cowboy hat, or some BMX gear, or a jeep with a kayak, and people will know that you aren't messing around. That not only are you Party Incarnate, but you've taken it to a whole 'nother level: ADVENTURE. The kind of people who kick-ass all day riding a bike in a cowboy hat, then return to base camp to drink and smoke all night long with their girlfriends are living the American Dream. This WAS the American dream for at least 8 years two decades ago. Seriously, don't you remember those old Mountain Dew, Old Milwaukee, and Juicy Fruit Gum commercials?

Clearly, Adventure People were on the cutting edge. They were leaders in the field of what we now call "Action Relaxin'". Adventure people work so very hard at relaxing.

Now, some of our friends, family members, and therapists tell us that we should really stop projecting our fantasies on toys. Or that we shouldn't be modeling our lives after a 20 year old idea of what's cool. But then we just point to some vest-and-cowboy-hat-wearing Adventure Person standing around contentedly smoking and drinking with his crew, fresh from some white water adventure, and it becomes obvious to everyone that we should all be so lucky to have such a kick-ass weekend. Then we point out that we've been pushing Action Relaxin' as a lifestyle for well over 5 years now. Then our critics are silent.

If you are having trouble believing us, go to a cook-out or bar and watch the people who are enjoying themselves. Doctors and construction workers, receptionists and rock climbing instructors, priests and lawyers - they like to have a drink and a smoke. Drinking and smoking are a critical part of relaxing. What's more, going to bars and cook-outs are the American Way to celebrate the success of our forefathers democratic experiment.

Why didn't any of the Evil Robots staff join the military like our GI Joe action figures were obviously advocating? Are we gay? Coked-up? Lazy? Depending on the day of the week, any of those answers could be correct. The real reason is that we have known since the days of our youth that freedom may be won by few, but enjoyed by the Adventure People. And if we weren't so high right now, we'd go a step further and prove that the Adventure People are, in fact, the true freedom fighters here- throwing of the soul crushing shackles of the establishment. But, alas, we really need to go to 7-11.