March 2003

This Month I am Unable to Kick Back

The recent "snow event" that ash touched our lives recently has effected us in different ways. In my case, its contribution was the development of bronchitis. How is this possible? Easy. I was dammed up in my house with no where to go, just like the rest of you (for those of you who did make it outside, I pity you). Several straight days of being exposed to all sorts of otherwise benign household allergens, and its effects on my athsmatic lungs, tend to do that to me.

Now, most people probably take breathing for granted. However, the white stuff has reminded me just how dependent the boss is on oxygen. What at first seemed like an innocent bout of wheezing soon grew into an angry cough of Randy "Macho Man" Savage proportions. I quickly dropped my pants and drove to the doctor's office.

A nebulizer treatment and three prescriptions later, I was on the road to recovery. This consisted of a 4-day antibiotic treatment, a new inhaler, and 30 days of Prednisone.

Note to the medical community and pharmaceutical companies everywhere: Make drugs with better side effects!

The antibiotics did absolutely nothing to unhinge my grasp on reality. The inhaler isn't good for any type of buzz. My biggest complaint has to be about the Prednisone (Motto: Technically we're steroids! We're just not any fun!"). Not only was it woefully absent of any good side effects ("increased appetite"), it's also one of those drugs that informs the consumer, "avoid alcohol while taking this medication, as it may cause damage to the stomach". Bastards.

I like my stomach. So, being the sheep that I am, I have been avoiding alcohol (mostly) for the past month. Yes, so I've cheated a little. I've enjoyed smaller-than-usual servings of beer, and I've also sampled some "near beers". These, by the way, are what Gordon Shumway was to WKRP. I've sampled Buckler, St. Pauli N.A. and O'Doul's Amber. I'm ready the good stuff, and quick. Lousy medicine.

I have to admit that it's been an interesting experiment. This ordeal has helped me realize that being sober profoundly effects my sense of wit and insight. I'm much smarter and funnier buzzed. I blame those 30 little 10mg cocksuckers in the orange plastic bottle (Motto: "If you fly into a 'roid rage, it wasn't our fault!").

One a day for a month. And all that white stuff is to blame. Fuckers. In fact, I blame Whitey for everything that goes wrong in the world. But, that's a different story.