April 2002

They'll Rape You Silly in A.C.!

New Jersey probably has a lot to offer Mr. Joe Average Tourist, but few attractions compare to the home and inspiration of Monopoly, Atlantic City. For those of you who enjoy forcible financial sodomy by way of virtually flinging your hard-earned cash into a raging fire, then there's a niche for you in A.C..

I imagine that the concept of casinos is historically based on such time-honored traditions like torture and volcanic virgin sacrifices. Where else can people be drawn into a huge building, where loud noises, flashes of incandescent lighting and the occasional whoop from a lucky Texan hausfrau, all for the chance to make a profit on games of luck? It's mind boggling, yet people from all over do it with maddening regularity.

Take me for instance; I let myself be persuaded into throwing caution to the wind and making the 3-3.5 hour trek to the famous boardwalk on a perfectly normal Monday afternoon. My friend, whom I'll call "Rick", pitched the idea to me as we were sitting in a bar drinking some particularly strong beer. I think it will come as no surprise that this trip was planned in an alcohol-soaked haze.

By the way, if Donald Trump is by any chance reading this, I have two words for you: Screw you. Also, you might consider wearing hats from time to time. Suckbag.

As you can well imagine, Lady Luck was out of town when Rick and I arrived, so we received the red-carpet treatment from her surly cousin "Sir I'm-going-to-ass-rape-you-and-take-your-money" as well as a cameo appearance by "Dame Irrationality". Luckily for me, I checked the credentials of these two muses, so I didn't lose nearly as much money as Rick.

Poor guy kept muttering, "I just can't accept this". This is the classic 'denial' stage of the experience. On the car ride home, he repeated the mantra, "Fuck. I don't believe I lost that much". His resolve strengthened somewhat, but for all the wrong reasons, around Delaware when he began saying, "I'm gonna make that bastard pay. I'm gonna go back there and win my money back." Hell hath no fury like a roulette player scorned.

I have a love-hate relationship with Atlantic City. I've gone for a friend's batchelor party there, and another time before last night just on a whim. Each time I go, I am impressed on the vacuum created over such a large piece of waterfront property. Millions of people a year get sucked in there. I'll be sure that the next time I go there, beer will not be involved in the planning process.