Third Anniversary Special/2002

Lotto Food

We like to play the Big Game (now Mega Millions) lotto when it is super big - HUGE! We would play the lotto every day were it not for the bad feeling Grandpa gets from playing. The odds are better that you will die on your way to the store to buy the lotto tickets than they are for you to win, so playing the lotto should be a celebration of life, but it is not. Grandpa needs to feel more like a winner and less like an idiot. Bigfoot is just too damn cheap to play lotto, especially since she already won big time by scoring a publishing magnate husband. People who play the lotto every day are idiots (even the rich ones.)

Thankfully, food and beverage companies offer lotteries as well. Bigfoot likes to call them 'Lotto Food'. If we are faced with a choice between M&M's or Twix in the candy isle at the Giant, how much we stand to gain from opening the candy always tips the scales. Why buy a candy with no prize when you can have candy and a new car, too?

Pasta Sauce, pitas, candy, mac & chee, cereal, yogurt, bacon, and coffee offer, from time to time, something far beyond the fun and tasty food inside.

Years ago, and even today, people ask you to collect points, or proofs of purchase, to get free items, and while that may be fine for the kiddies, it sucks for the adults. For example, Camel cigarettes for years offered piddle and crap for people who saved hundreds of packs of their smokes. But buying just one pack never offered a great reward. You had to smoke for years to get a desk of cards. That kind of free stuff is for jerks and suckers.

Real 'Food Lotto' pleasure comes from knowing, the moment before you eat your treat, if you are an instant winner or a loser. And unlike scratch-off lotto, which pretends to offer fun and money but really only offers practice time for scratching yourself, losers can always drown their sorrows with their favorite food. They can never take that away from you.

Think of your options, lotto or 'Food Lotto'. Last week Grandpa ate two losing lotto tickets. They tasted terrible. But the losing Twix bars we ate immediately afterwards tasted great! So, we didn't win a car or $50,000. At least we got chocolatey enjoyment. And we all know a good candy bar wipes out your short term memory.

If you're gonna be a daring risk-taker (i.e. a fool who gives loads of money away for nothing), would you rather end up a pathetic scratch-monkey or a heartily satisfied customer? Lotto Food is always the winner. Guess what lucky bastard's eating Ragu-dipped Twix bars tonight?