June 2001

Summer Stupids

It is officially the most kicked back of all kicked back times of the year. The grilling season is upon us. The time for disturbingly colored Aloha shirts is upon us. The time of sunlight until 9 PM is upon us. But, most importantly, the time of absolute laziness is upon us.

I would like to point out, however, that the laziness, while welcome is not anyone's fault. I have found the root of seasonal laziness and ineptitude, and I would like an exceptionally large grant to fund my continued research in this matter.

The idea came to me when I returned from lunch and couldn't, for the life of me, remember why I returned from lunch. This won't have been so bad in my previous life as a advertisor, because advertising consisted mainly of extended naps with breaks for meetings and a flurry of activity several hours before and after a deadline. No, this was troubling. There is a certain level of concentration that one should have when one is cranking a power supply up to 2000 VDC. I did not have it.

What in the hell had gone wrong? I woke up this morning, ready to go to work, I worked hard all morning. Then I agreed to go to lunch. Lunch was the beginning of the end.

First a word about lunch. Lunch is the greatest meal of all time. Breakfast is far too early, and dinner is bothersome. Lunch is the main community meal of our time. Lunch is also what I spend my mornings thinking about, and since I generally despise being awake before lunch time, this blessed meal has the added advantage of giving me something to think about besides sleeping. Basically, lunch is more than a meal, it is a reason for being awake. I often ask myself, what could be better than being asleep. Planning on and going to lunch is my answer.

Now, you may think that I could no longer concentrate on anything after lunch because my reasons for being awake was gone, and it was time to go to sleep. Fool! Of course this was not the case. I had my TEEvee watching to look forward to. Also, there was the possibility of beer. No, I should have been ready to go to work. And, as I left the restaurant, I most certainly was.

The problem was, I later determined, that I had to walk back to the lab. The day was alarmingly beautiful. Not one of those days where you think it would be nice to skip the afternoon. It was one of those afternoons where you get pissed at the idea of pants. On the way back, all ability to work left me. I spend the rest of the afternoon with a pencil jammed up each nostril and a notebook open on top of my head, tunelessly singing -- occasionally loudly.

So, why am I telling you all this? Simple: money. Remember a couple of years ago when people (doctors) came up with seasonal affected disorder or whatever it was called. Basically it said that people were sadder in the winter, and it was because there was less sunlight. Well, I have come up with another disease. I don't know what to call it yet, that would be the first thing I would determine with my "research" grant. No, wait, we'll call coming up with the name phase I. I'll come up with the other phases (which will, of course, be thinly veiled names for Kickin' Back, but sounding impressive enough that I will get money.) I think I'll get started on naming the phases right after lunch.