June 2003

Dreaming About Ice Cream Because It's Almost Summer Time

A day doesn't end around here without some moron complaining to me about the rain. "When is it going to end?" they say! I, for one, could care less. In any normal year, the month of June begins a three month heat spell. I am willing to forego the start of an average, miserable, mid-Atlantic Summer in exchange for two months of drought-preventing rain.

Speaking of the drought? Do you remember the drought conditions of the past few years? They are gone, my friends! Yes, the states east of the Mississippi are full of water from the bountiful winter and spring we've had. Sure, it's not the most pleasant way to get out of the drought-rut we've been in, but it sure beats living in the South-West, eh? In twenty-five years, those miserable bastards will run out of water, and east-coasters will be taking baths three times a day. Screw the South-West!

I'm just glad it's not god-awful hot in Baltimore yet. The sunny days of late have been just the way I likes 'em: 60 degrees in the AM, 75-80 by mid-day, in the 80's until the sun goes down, then back in the low-70's/high 60's in the evening. That's good livin'! In a month, it'll be 90 at 8 AM, and I'll be back to cursing the sun all day long. No one should live that way.

No matter what I think of Baltimore's atmospheric conditions, the summer is good for many reasons. First and foremost: driving around with the top down! I bought a Jeep Wrangler because it's a 4x4 AND a convertible. On a nice summer day I like nothing more than taking the top down and going for a drive to anywhere. All I need is the burning sun, the cooling breeze, and my beautiful lady…and ice cream!

Inevitably, one needs to stop for gas, and if the gas station is good, it has ice cream! Ice cream is awesome. While I love ice cream all the time, it is way much better if eaten when I be sitting on the front on the Jeep, parked under a big, leafy tree. As I chomp and lick it for dear life, I make myself happy. Mmmmm…ice cream and the summer time.

I am not trying to write one of those 'I love things that made me happy in the GOOD OLD DAYS' article you find in every damn paper around the country right about now. No! I'm writing about what makes me happy NOW - Ice Cream! That ½ sinful, ¾ delightful taste one finds in county style soft custard or a Snickers Ice Cream Bar. Oh yeah, drinking a Peach Snapple hits the spot as well.

Peach Snapple! Actually, almost any peach flavored iced tea will work for good old Grandpa on a hot summers day. Peach flavored iced tea tastes like summer to me. I'm a product of suburban America, what can I say? I like sun tea, but it's not peach flavored tea. Back in the day, a bunch of us would go up to the Adirondak Mountains on weekends to drink beer and experience the great outdoors. Morning afters were always better with a couple aspirin and a Peach Snapple. It's comfort food, er, drink.

Also, if I am in the right part of the country at the right time of day, I can make my summers day complete with a grape snow-cone. With all due respect to the shaved (or Hawaiian) ice people, and the Philly water ice people, I can't get enough of my grapey delight. I like having a purple tongue and taking a big gulp of syrup from the bottom of the cone. After I eat a grape snow-cone, I feel like taking my pants off and tanning my butt. Nothing can burn me!

(Hotdogs, burgers, and corn on the cob are being left out for various reasons, not the least of which is the fact that you can make them at home all year round, and a close second is that you need to make more heat to cook them. Very few satisfying summer pleasures can beat eating a cheese burger in the shallow end of a swimming pool, but someone along the way still has to get hot to make a burger, so it is disqualified. The only exception is for the hot dog, which, when both kosher AND served in a baseball stadium is a quasi-religious experience.)

Facts is facts, folks. Summertime is for cold stuff. Frozen water, ice cream, and cold tea make the unbearable days almost bearable. What's more, no fun-time winter foods or drinks are better than the most refreshing summertime potion. Hot-cocoa - with or without booze - just don't make the cut.

Ungh…where is this article going, you are probably asking. I really don't know. I had hoped to be able to pull this together an make a point about the class struggle mirrored in the grocery store convenience of ice-cold summer treats, but I gave that a rest because it stopped making sense. Then I thought about getting all Andy-Rooney on your minds with a closing about how the treats of summer make us all kids again, but before I could do that I began beating myself with the keyboard.

Instead I'm gonna leave you people hanging. This article will trail off somewhere in the middle of this paragraph, and maybe you'll forget about it after a while. It's hard god damn work writing articles for every section of this publication, and some months I'm just not up to the task. Sure, you all respect me for what you think is strength and perseverance, but it's all a mask. It's nothing but a ice-cream stained mask looking back at me from the rear-view mirror of my Jeep as I drive into the Blue Ridge Mountains.

That's not right! I should be more considerate to you, my gentle readers. I love the feeling preceding summer time adventures. It's like Christmas time, kinda. On a hot Friday afternoon, my mind is preoccupied with the thoughts of West Virginia Flea Market snow cones, or North Jersey gas station pit stops. Unlike the winter time, summer trips are fun because the travel itself it fun. And the travel itself is fun because of cold treats, warm blue skies, and the smell of sun block.

This weekend, the wife and I are driving to Upstate New York for a weekend party with a bunch of people. It's gonna be a blast out there on the road. I don't care about the traffic so long as I have my fun. It's summer, after all, and what else is it good for?