September 2003
We Made Isabel Our Bitch
EVIL ROBOTS STAFF
The Weather Channels' "Storm Sories" can take it in the
dumper. Our stories are much better.
I'm supposed to say something here about what happened to me during
the hurricane. Truth be told, nothing. I never lost power, never
had to resort to eating cold cans of beans, and reading by candle
light a la Abe Lincoln. Never had to kill and eat my pets and neighbors
to survive. Sure it rained a bit, and some trees fell over, but
not near my house. Shit, in that last rain storm it was much worse,
because we got nearly the same amount of rain in half the time.
In fact, so little happened, that the next morning, I went outside,
swept up the leaves and sticks and shit from the street, and went
to work. Now that sucked. Everyone there had some fucking horror
story about how they nearly died or were nearly eaten by neighbors,
and how they were out of power. You wanna live in the sub-urbs -
fucking deal with it, pussies. And no, next time you all can't crash
at my place.
When the hurricane hit Baltimore, it appeared to be no more than
a
really windy storm. It did not make me all worried about my safety.
After I got off work, I biked in the wind and rain around the Inner
Harbor. That was very cool because the wind pushed me all around
- almost into the harbor itself. When I got home I dried off and
started drinking beer. That was fun as well.
The next morning I saw that the Harbor and Fells Point were flooded,
so I hustled on downtown on my bike. I spent a couple hours biking
in the flooded streets like an idiot. A photographer from the Baltimore
Sun took a photo
of me and they put it on their web-site. You can't see my face,
but that's my bike, helmet and back-pack. It's me alright.
As difficult as it has been for many in the days following the
storm, what with the power outages and the flooded basements, I
will always think fondly upon the aftermath of Isabel, and the dumb
things I did to amuse myself.
Up here in Boston we laughed at your silly rainy asses. Try getting
buried by over 2 feet of snow, STILL drive to work in the morning,
and only be an hour late. Then we'll chat.
Pussies.
I live on the 10th floor of what I like to describe as a concrete
bunker. I think my de-luxe apartment building could withstand a
direct low-grade nuclear strike. It would take the direct intervention
of Old Testament God for me to even lose power and cable. Thus,
Isabel was of no concern to me.
What was of a concern to me, though, was that the morning of the
day Isabel was set to strike, I realized I was out of coffee. This,
obviously, was a potential disaster. The ensuing 4-block round trip
to the Columbia Heights Giant took an hour and a half. I made it
out alive with a pound of coffee, milk, and grapefruit juice. I
can never recommend going to the grocery store directly preceding
a potential natural disaster, but dammit, coffee is fucking important.
Still, the trip was worth it. I was ready to be shut inside for
two days, easy. I had coffee, juice, and a bottle of vodka. Of course,
it helped that when I got home from the Giant there was a naked
lady waiting in my apartment. The rest of the story seems implicitly
obvious, doesn't it?
Hurricanes rule!
I am a resident of Northern Virginia, Ye Olde Towne Alexandria to
be exact. After watching some stupid newscaster being buffeted by
gale-force winds on the coast of North Carolina, which were on their
way to the Washington, D.C. area, I drew the sensible conclusion
that WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE. So I dusted off my "List of Things
to Do Before the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Trample Me Underfoot,
In Effect Voting Me Off This Rigged Reality Show We Call Life"
and got through the Top Ten. Here they are, in no particular order:
- Make love to my tonic and gin.
- Wrestle with my metrosexuality.
- Update my resume.
- Rid myself of items, such as animal porn and The Book of Mormon
and skidmarked underwear, which might prove a nasty surprise
to my mother as she collects my things after I am gone, and
thus sullying her memories.
- Pen a brief memoir entitled: The Last Night of My Life
and Its Basic Irrelevancy to My Life as It Has Been Lived Up
Until Now....Or Is It?
- Make my peace with the football gods, whom I have forsaken.
- Fashion myself a codpiece that does me credit for once.
- Learn how to dance the Mortal Coil Shuffle.
- See if I can't trigger a heart attack or another fateful stoppage
of the body through vigorous masturbation-and how!
- Cower in a dark corner, sobbing, to await the chill of death.
Editor's Note: Ace Whiplash survived the storm, but not before
setting new standards in the practice of onanism, the experience
of which he intends to describe in great detail in a forthcoming
book, Me on Me: Making the Beast With Two Backs Give One Back
to the Community.
Well, as many of you dummies may not know, the word 'hurricane'
comes from a native Taino word, which was later corrupted by the
Spanish to become "huracan". The Taino, a people indigenous
to the Antilles island groups, were much smarter than you asses.
Then, along came smallpox and syphilis. But, I digress.
I, like the Taino, am much smarter than you. But without all that
pesky smallpox and syphilis. See, while you all were being spanked
all sorts of red on the ass, I was here in Japan being besieged
by a freaking TYPHOON. Beat that, you little girls. To prove my
point, I've taken the time to script out a recreation of our respective
meteorological experiences as of late.
You: "Hurricane Isabel is going to make landfall soon.
Buy tons of bottled water, and make sure no other shopper can get
any."
Me: "A what? We're getting a typhoon?!?"
You: "Let's watch the local news and then let's watch
the national news, so we can feel doubly sorry for ourselves."
Me: "This is so rad! I'm going to totally take this
typhoon to the fucking school!"
You: "We should shut down everything. Oops, too late;
the government took care of that for us. Sorry, Kimmy and Johnny;
no school for you." (cheering in the background)
Me: "Boy these TV warnings suck. The commercials are
a complete brain-fuck, though. These Japanese are blowing my mind!
Hey, wait a minute.... was that an earthquake I felt just now?"
You: "Power will be out for an undetermined amount
of time. PEPCO and Dominion Power are virtually impotent in Isabel's
wake. Please take time to discuss with your family how far to put
your tail between your legs."
Me: "So, a 5.4 on the Richter scale, eh? Wow! Two-for-one
natural disasters! I rule! And, Japan!"
You: "You are advised to boil your water before using
it. Trees are down everywhere. The Potomac is swollen like my Aunt
Mary's ankles. Water damage is overwhelming. God help us; we've
requested disaster relief."
Me: "Ha ha ha! Look at that funny name! Typhoon Choi-Wan?
What will they think of next? 'Isabel'? That's priceless!"
You: "Please don't loot. That's unkind."
Me: "So, I can check those two off my list. Now I just
have find a tsunami to come and be my bitch, and my dance card'll
be full."
All in all, folks, I don't think you had it that bad. Fine, so
nature's wrath intruded on your pampered lives; so, what? Some people
put up with this kind of stuff on a routine basis. Now, get back
to drinking your Evian.
