December 2002

Money Can Buy Sleep, Thus Happiness

It's a damn shame the we live and how we sleep I am tried of this wake-at-8:20pm, go-to-bed-at-1:30am world in which I live. I need to change it around - constantly. But to do so would require that I be my own boss, or be filthy rich.

You see, I need to sleep differently, is all. With no boss or tons of cash, I will have the luxury to wake up and sleep whenever the hell I feel like it. This is a dream of mine since I was a kid. But it's not all that easy. For even if I stay up late and sleep late, my body still wants to sleep again by midnight - just like every other day of the year. This will not do!

My plan (once I get the time and money necessary) is to drive the need to sleep at night from my body and mind.

It'll start like this: For the first few months, I will stay up until 2am every night. No matter what, I will stay up until 2am. Once my body adjusts to that, I will begin staying up until 3am, then 4am, and on and on. I will keep this up until I reach NOON! After that, I will settle into a comfortable noon-7pm sleep pattern. I will keep it up for a year. For the first time in my life I will be living on my terms!

Think about it, man! Bacon and waffles at 7:45pm with eggs and OJ! I would begin cooking a rib roast at 4am! Dinner at 8…AM! After a while, when I am good and comfortable with myself, I will begin throwing parties all the time. I will amaze my guests with my ability to stay awake all night long (not to mention my desire to eat pork chops and ice cream at 9am.) People will write in the gossip columns about the guy who defies convention, mocking the Sun and the Moon behind their backs!

After a while, I will switch it on 'em again! I will change into the recluse millionaire who goes to sleep at 5pm, wakes up at midnight and eats lunch at 5:30am! HA! I'll meet people for happy hour (the kind that start at 4), leaving at 4:45 to get some sleep. I'll tell people that I am an understudy for the Easter Bunny, and that I wake up at midnight every day to practice hiding eggs under the bushes outside my neighbors houses. No one will really believe me, but they will all drop less than subtle hints about what toys their kids are into!

In a few years, I'll settle down, and, after a long afternoon of partying, sleep until 6 in the morning. I'll eat cereal with my kids and be tempted to return to the life of the normal people. Of course, around 10am I'll get sleepy, and by noon I'll be asleep. While all you suckers are sitting at work counting the minutes until you can go home, I will be dreaming about mysterious talking buildings and comfortable rugs. Why is that, you ask? It's because I don't live in your world anymore, buddy!