Summer 2004

The Properly Aged Hot Dog

[Please note that the assignment was to devise a recipe for "Hot Dog Salad". For failing to complete this assignment, Schlomo will most likely be tossed off the Memorial Bridge after being stabbed a thousand times on his upcomming trip to Evil Robots World HeadQuarters in Washingtron, DC --ed]

I am uniquely un-American in my aversion to the traditional barbecue fare of hot dogs and hamburgers. In fact, I find ground beef to the biggest waste of what could have been a decent stake, covered with onions, pepper and cow blood. As for hot dogs, well I just don't dig on their taste, most of the time.

It isn't the ingredients of hot dogs. I really don't mind munch on a bunch of assholes with a few lips (it is like getting back at the Bush Administration). It really is the taste. Right from the grill is just not for me. But, there are two exceptions, both of which are regional delights.

If I must eat a Hot Dog off the grill, it really needs to be the Maine red dogs. These must be the only hot dogs that come in a pure, bright, red casing. None of the wimpy, "Oh look I am natural pink!" casings. No! This is a color of red right out of a paint tube. There is no hiding the fact that these are better-living-through-chemistry dogs. And, to top off their visually aesthetic qualities, they don't taste bad either. I prefer my pure, with only a lightly toasted bun. Ketchup, mustard, onions, chili, and cheez only distract from mellow taste which acts to fulfill the palate.

On the other end are the boiled hot dogs. To truly experience the perfection that has come down from the generations known as the dirty water dog, there are a few basic ingredients that are needed. Any deviation from them result in a recipe for disaster. The taste moves from refined New York, to shitty anywhere else.

The first and most important ingredient is the kosher hot dog. No PORK!! Though I am one who can dig on the swine, adding pork to the hot dog creates a contrasting taste when we are looking for a mellow co-mingling of taste. Pork, and the spices ones adds to the pork hot dog are too distinctive.

After getting the right kosher hot dog, the next, and properly most important ingredient is the water. This cannot be any water, coming from anywhere, anytime. For example, if you use Evian©, the pure taste of this extremely fine l'eau française, will bring out the true flavor of assholes; not a good thing. The water must be tap water, but it cannot be tap water from just any old pipe. This is what makes the dirty water dog a regional delight. Water from different regions of the country taste differently, just as a fact. It is not the water per se that is different (though some with a finer taste buds than I would argue differently); no, the difference is in the chemicals that are put into the water and their proportions. Every single water district in this country adds shit to the water, most add fluoride (thus everyone's favorite commie conspiracy, fluoridation!!), chlorine, and other assorted - ides, and -ines, to ensure that the water your drink is not the shit you pooped. Only New York City tap water, with its right mix of chemicals, is fit for proper dirty water dog creation.

But still, not just anyone with a tap connected to New York City water supply, a stove and kosher dogs can create the dirty water dog. The water must be aged. This is different than aging alcohol, such as wine or whiskey. In these you put the newly created liquid into a barrel made of some kind of wood and then put the barrel in a basement for a few years, tap the barrel and drink. The aging of dirty water dogs is a much more involved process.

The dirty water man (or Sabrett guy to use the name brand to the kosher hot dog) must be actively engaged, day in and day out in to ensure that the aged water will impart the right taste to the hot dog. He (or she) must boil the hot dogs in the same water for 15-20 years, anything less than that does not impart the full bodied flavor that makes this such a regional delight. The water should not be more 20 years old, for then the microbes that you have been killing all those years that are imparted by the hot dogs, will evolved to live in higher than 100º C water, which will endanger dog eaters such as myself.

Now that we have the right hot dog, the right water, and the right age, next is the bun. This needs to be a white bread based bun that should not be too fresh. It needs to be firm, but not toasted, and white at the same time. If other colors such as green are present in the bun, the bun is too stale; or if it takes more than one try to break off the bun, you've been had.

Next come the condiments. There are four of them, ketchup, mustard (only yellow, none of that hoity-toity brown shite), onions (actually a reddish/brown sauce that some say are tomatoes covering the pieces of onion), sauerkraut, and relish. One can eat them in any combination, only if the following rules are followed:
· Thou shall not combine more than three,
· Thou shall not use any substitute, and
· Thou shall not try to replicate any of this at home.

Dirty water dogs can only come off the street. I have had people attempt to create these condiments at home. They sucked. Just spend the buck, buck fifty on the dog on the street.

By the way, my favorite is the onion only. I highly recommend a hot dog with onion, a knish (pronounce the k or you will get ripped off as you should), and a coke or Snapple©, perfect summer lunch to watch the ladies of New York walk by.