August 2004

Senator Gronk Junior Achiever Award

By the Co-Founders and Staff

The Pig Roast was wet, yo, and our hero, Senator Gronk, stayed sober for most of the day. He did not pass out in a gutter, and he did not molest anyone. That was a bummer. No wait, he pretty much assaulted Schlomo. But that was by request, so that doesn't count. And no, Schlomo isn't some kind of Gronk-baiter. He had the hiccups. Because he's a lush.

Thankfully, a guy who lives across the road from Grandpa and Justy's older brother picked up the torch, and carried on a hilarious drunken tradition. Justy and Mr. Joshua wrote first-person narratives of the event. We hope that you will agree with the choice.

Justy's Nod
I would like to submit my nomination for the Senator Gronk Junior Achievement Award to a guy who we're gonna call Junior Gronk. I don't know Junior Gronk's last name (he's a neighbor of my older brother,) but there is no other candidate who worked so hard to capture the attention of the nominating committee over the course of Saturday evening at the Pig Roast. If we focus in even further, we can see that his uninvited appearance at cousin Mountain Man's wedding a week earlier (to see if there was any beer available) only solidifies Junior Gronk's status as a Senator Gronk Junior Achiever.

Junior Gronk could be seen for the better portion of Saturday evening side by side with our Senator, shaved heads and five o'clock shadows towering over the collected Pig Roast devotees. Junior Gronk and the Senator spent a portion of the evening making barking noises at the unsuspecting Traveldogg; howling in such a cacophony as to suggest the trumpeting in of a new generation of Senator Gronk-Style Achiever. Junior Gronk did not stray far from the Senator during the later evening hours, even engaging our Senator in a heated arm wrestling match in the wee hours of the morning, as the fire smoldered out in the distance.

But Junior Gronk's main qualification was not seen by many waking eyes. Junior Gronk's main qualification was a heated conversation on the merits of the Steve Miller Band, or as stated by Lucas Jasinski the "Same Song Miller Band." Luc attested that he has such venomous feelings toward the Steve Miller Band as to say that Steve Miller is a fucking joke, which raised the ires of our man Gronk, and young Junior Gronk. Senator Gronk protested that Lucas' opinion was negligent, because of his relative age and experience, and because of Luc's inability to sell records. Junior Gronk's protest was formed in a much different manner, saying to Luc...

"You can't say anything bad about Queen."

The argument raged on for the better part of fifteen minutes. Luc would not back down in his assertion that Steve Miller sucks, and Junior Gronk would not relinquish in his appeal that Queen is one of the greatest bands ever. He admitted as such that he had seen Queen, and they were amazing in concert. Junior Gronk also admitted that almost every band since Queen has wanted to be Queen, and that the guy from Metallica said as much once in an interview. Junior Gronk was passionate in his appeal, voice almost cracking with the heart of a man who knows so much of music he loves that he would defend them. Defend them even if they were not the topic of conversation.

Junior Gronk stood up and strode over to Lucas, bending over to yell in his face and continually re-assert that Queen was an amazing band and no one could ever dispute that material fact. Luc agreed that there was no issue of material fact here; that Queen indeed was a very good band. Luc would not yield to the issue that Steve Miller fucking sucks, and his opinion remains unchanged. Junior Gronk seemed satisfied with the admission of Queen's goodness, and sat down to relax and finish his beer. There was no question here: Junior Gronk established that in the battle between Steve Miller sucking or not sucking, Queen was an amazing band that he was able to see in concert once.

Junior Gronk is the only possible candidate that can be chosen for the Senator Gronk Junior Achievement Award. Moreover, I would move that Junior Gronk receive consideration for the honorary title of "Congressman Gronk." If he can establish next year that he is committed to the lifestyle and authority associated with the name "Gronk," he may well be in line for such an honor. His achievement this year should be so noted if such a consideration is conferred upon him.

Mr Joshua's Nod
The Senator Gronk Junior Achiever award: it is a tough decision for me this year. Last year was easy. Hands down, it was Godzilla for getting into an argument with a trash can. An argument that he did not win. This year is different. I have two to decide from.

There was Gronks stunt double, whose name I never got. That guy was pretty rocked. In one instance he was actually running around the yard, with a beer in his hand, barking at Travel Dogg. That was funny. He was also humorous around the camp fire with his stumbling, stuttering drunkenness. Although I was already sleeping, I heard that he was arguing, with conviction, that Queen rocked and that nobody better say that they suck. With those points along with the fact that he could actually pass as a stunt double for The Senator, I have to seriously consider him for the nominee. But then we come to Gronk himself.

Gronk was back to his high standards after a poor showing last year of only passing out in a ditch. He got off to a slow start, but he then kicked it into high gear. I would say that he first started to grab my attention when he decided to join stunt double in chasing after Travel Dogg and barking at it. Although I must say, it was funnier when stunt double was alone in tormenting Travel Dogg. But like I said it did grab my attention. One of the next things that he did to rank him high in getting the award back from Godzilla was to guarantee to Schlomo that he could cure his deathly case of the hick-ups, but he would not tell him when. After sitting down at the bon fire drinking some beers for some time, Gronk came tearing ass across the mud pit and got Schlomo. It was great. He had a hold on him around the neck and over the mouth. People were freaking out. Grandpa, the Gay-lord that he is, thought that Gronk was actually trying to kill him. But Gronk released Schlomo from his grasp and it was explained to people what was going on. It worked to. Gronk was a hero. But the best thing happened later. I was sitting next to the fire by myself drinking a beer when Gronk briefly sat next to me. He Plopped him self done to me and we started to talk. He asked how I was doing and I replied. You know, the usual pleasantries. At the end of the conversation he said, "by the way, I am Rik, with a 'K'. The Senator will be here later." He then got up and walked off. I about shit my pants. That was fucking awesome. Those words I think really put him over the top.

After weighing the facts I think that I have made my decision. It goes to Gronk. I am going to through my vote in for Gronk. He should get his award
back.

And if yall don't like me
You can blow me