November 2000

A Discourse On Elevators

I Am Easily Entertained

Evil Robots World Headquarters just moved. The Corporate Office is now located in Washingtron, DC. Our Creative Studios are moving to Baltimore.

Why do I mention this? Because our Washingtron building has elevators. Why do I mention that? Simple: elevators are awesome!

I have a long standing love-hate relationship with elevators. One elevator tried to ruin my childhood. I'm serious. I was about 4 years old and one kidnapped me. I was standing there ignoring my mother, who was dealing with my little brother. I got on the elevator and as it ascended I realized that my mother was not with me. I started screaming. I could be heard screaming as the elevator went up to another floor and then returned. I didn't trust elevators for a while after that.

But I began to get over my fear of elevators as I realized that escalator are the real trouble makers. They want to eat your feet. One even killed some children at a Baltimore Colts game several decades ago. I'm completely serious. Look it up.

I eventually got over the escalator fear. I was shown the divine truth of the benevolent nature of escalators as I rode them up and down- sometimes for hours on end- at the Woodley Park and Dupont Circle metro stations in DC. Man, those things are huge! Long enough to easily allow you to look up and see the bright white light of God at the top. Broken escalators are obviously the work of the devil. Damn Satan!

Anyhow. Back to elevators. I like them now. No, I love them. Not as much as trains, though. The only thing cooler that trains are jets, spaceships, and dinosaurs. What was I talking about? Oh yeah- Evil Robots World Headquarters has elevators. I get to ride an elevator several times a day. But more importantly, I can ride the elevators as much as time will allow if I want to.

We have lots of elevators. Eight in all, including the two freight elevators. I love them all. I've ridden some of the tallest and fastest elevators in the world- the ones in the Sears Tower and Handcock Building- but these elevators are mine. I don't care that they are slow and crowded. I love them and they love me back. I was able to forgive the elevators when one tried to kidnap me again the other day. I had gotten all dressed up in my new suit to go check the mail in our lobby and the elevator I took got stuck. At first I was angry because I thought it was disrespecting me. But then I realized that I had disrespected it but pushing the buttons too hastily. The elevators are old and I had confused this one. I apologized and pulled a level and we got on our merry way.

I have to remember to treat our elevators with respect. Especially the freight elevators. They are terribly slow and don't always come when they are summoned. One mustn't get impatient with them because they serve a valuable purpose. They carry our televisions and other lesser valuables so that we needn't disrespect the other, more elegant passenger elevators nor haul our things up ten flights of stairs.

I think I love the freight elevators the most. I have a plan to give them the respect and attention they so richly deserve. On the Saturdays and Sundays in the coming months with no ACC basketball on television I plan to become The Elevator Man. I will take a post at the button console in my nearest freight elevator (as this is the one I love the most). As people enter my elevator I will ask them "which floor, please?" and then push the button for them. As they disembark I will wish them a pleasant day.

However, I fear that they will not recognize me as The Elevator Man, but just as a friendly neighbor. This is precisely is why I will require an appropriate costume. I will don a red sweat suit with my red cape. On the chest of my sweat shirt I will affix a set of large "up" and "down" arrows. This will let people know that I am not just a friendly neighbor, but a hero. A super hero. The Elevator Man. I might also have to wear my sombrero since it is a universal truth that sombreros are the most appropriate headwear for all occasions. Even race car driving and especially being the pope.

I figure that once people catch on, the freight elevator will become more popular than the regular elevators. People will wait in long lines just to ride the freight elevator. I will also regale the passengers with tales of famous elevators around the world. I will provide interesting factoids about my elevator and elevators in general. I will tell them the history of elevators. Eventually people from the neighborhood, and then the entire city will come to experience The Elevator Man's good deeds. The drug-free Mayor of Washingtron will bestow me with the key to the city and declare a day in my honor for raising Elevator Awareness. I will be a hero, but most importantly of all, I will have given my freight elevator the love and respect that I know it needs.

Like I said, I am easily entertained.