Florida Is Crazy

The first leg of this trip was to Tallahassee. We had a place to stay, which was good for us. I drive the entire 15 hours to Tallahassee as a matter of moral imperative. I made the decision to drive the entire leg somewhere in North Carolina. I think it may have actually been the Mountain Dew that mad the decision- that makes sense since it was the Mountain Dew that was doing most of the driving. This might be why the Ostrich Farm of I-85 in South Carolina seemed to make so much sense.

Anyhow. We get down to Tally. Tallahassee is a great introduction to the insanity that is Florida. But before we can really get into how nuts that town is, we really need a general overview of Florida. Florida is a big crazy state. Florida is a long peninsula jutting out of George which contains a population of Cubans meeting Southerners. Old folks are stuck in there as a wildcard. So as one can see there is an interesting social dynamic- two of the laziest and craziest peoples on the earth, mixed with one of the crankiest and most self-righteous groups in the world) Florida has three distinct zones :South Florida, Central Florida/Orlando, and Northern Florida. South Florida is predominately tropical, while the Orlando region is dominated by old people, Disney and crazy bible thumpers. Northern Florida is essentially southern. That’s Florida is a nutshell.

Back to Tallahassee. Tallahassee is a college town, as well as the state capital. But really, who cares about the state government when Florida State University is in town. Tally is essential a constant spring break, except the beach is about an hour away. But that doesn’t stop people. During our short time we spent in Tally on this mission we saw the follow things:

• A frat randomly start singing in a restaurant, then they all got up and went outside. Then on or two of them walked across the street and back naked. This was apparently not out of the usual.
• A guy in a pirate suit, complete with fake bird on shoulder, jogging around waving his saber.
• King Love- a bum with a cape, crown, and shopping cart full of scrolls.
• "Couch World"- a house that took the southern tradition of front porch couches to the extreme. This house on a corner of a street had about 50 couches and arm chairs arranged so as to form a fort in the front yard. Apparently the configuration changes with time.

But that’s not all. I guess the piece de resistance of the city is the state capital building. The state government must have been feeling ignored and inadequate when it built this- the most brilliant and overt phallic symbol ever created (notice bicameral "domes" at base).

So that’s Northern Florida. Populated by a bizarre combination of college kids and rednecks. Now we move on to Central Florida. There is virtually nothing redeeming about this place. Yuck. I can think of two things: the Sunshine Skyway (a cool bridge over Tampa Bay) and Tampa Bay itself (not the city/region, but the bay itself). What a wasteland. First of all, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays play at Tropicana "Field"- which is a domed stadium. Can anybody tell me why they play baseball indoors in Florida? Don’t tell me rain- they play outdoors in Seattle now. Man, that atrocity in Tampa makes me angry. I drive by with my middle fingers flailing wildly out the window. Oh well. And the rest of Central Florida is no better. From coast to coast it is wall-to-wall old folks, bible thumpers, and Disney. I think this must be the reason why there is such a high concentration of pedophiles in the area. You see it on the news all the time. Oh, and there’s the Scientology Headquarters too. Just steer clear of the whole area.

Now we get to South Florida. Ah, South Florida. South Florida has a level of surreality that puts the rest of the state to shame. We roll into the Miami area after about 8 boring hours of suburban sprawl and scrub wasteland. We knew we were set after we spent the final hour or so blasting across the everglades. We had spent most of this trip acting like idiots, and we weren't about to stop.

South Florida (or as the rest of the world calls it- Miami) is almost impossible to describe to anybody who hasn’t been there. Any explanation sounds like bullshit. But it’s not. It’s just that crazy. It’s the relationship between the land and the people. The people there seem to be on permanent vacation- but that really suits the tropics, doesn’t it? For starters, Miami-Dade County is about the most corrupt location in the universe. Dead non-residents can vote. And the living don’t seem to mind election anybody with an indictment to their name. That’s just the base level of the surreality- because you realize that on some level it really doesn’t matter. Who cares? It’s paradise.

But the political environment really wouldn’t effect the average tourist. It’s just the underlying insanity that idiots like me pick up on. What the average pasty-white yahoo might get out of Miami is what one might expect. But it’s crazy nonetheless. Miami is a relatively massive metro area. It’s a big city. Located in the tropics. It really kicks the crap out of LA. LA is in a dessert, which happens to be next to an ocean. Miami is in the tropics. Everything is green- and naturally so- except for what has been painted in very bright colors. Miami is large and flat. The sky is big and blue, and the could blow backwards- from east to west.

That’s the set up. But what is there to do in Miami? Anything and everything. It is a sublime place to run around acting like an idiot. That’s what we did. That’s what I had done of previous trips to Miami (including the weekend trip from DC to Miami for a ball game with Sketchy). If you go at the right time there is spring training….but really what you want to do is hit Miami Beach. Miami Beach is filled with crazy people- many of whom are naked, or nearly naked- and really beautiful art-deco architecture. Oh, also there’s the Ocean, but who cares, really? It’s kind of beside the point. In fact, the only real point in going to the beach down there is to check out the topless sunbathers.

I can’t really get into much more detail. I invoke my Fifth Amendment rights. Needless to say, me and LuTron had our fun. The usual assortment of ocean-side outdoor bars and other such non-sense. I think we spent most of out time just sort of wondering around acting like idiots. See, LuTron is a native- so I just do what he says in Miami. He is a product of this insanity- so I just follow instructions.

But what is a trip to South Florida without going all the way south? Of course I mean Key West. I love Key West. If it wasn’t such a tourist trap I would move there right now. But what can you do? Man, it’s a bizarre little town that still manages to seem completely insane after Miami. Miami is more surreal than anything else. Key West is purely insane. Key West is also a constant Spring Break, mixed with a somewhat "artsy" crowd. Key West seems mostly like an excuse to drink. But hey- why not?

We had two defining moments in Key West: 1) Sunset- hundreds of people gather everyday on the west-facing public wharf to watch the sun set over the Gulf of Mexico. It was outstanding. When it was over, everybody applauded. Nuts! 2) Silverman. Silverman and his sidekick might possibly be the most ingenious geniuses who have ever lived. Silverman is a guy in metallic silver shorts and silver body paint covering his body and hair. He moves like a robot. He doesn’t talk. He just stands relatively motionless, and then makes robotic moves. Hot chicks come up and give him money. His sidekick had a wagon with a keg of beer in it of which he sells by the cup. Geniuses! Why didn’t I think of that?

So that’s Florida. It’s crazy. This was going to be more of a roadtrip story. But I really can’t get over how crazy the state of Florida is. People say California is nuts. That may be so, but it’s go nothin’ on Florida. For chrissakes, Florida’s got NASCAR and NASA within 50 miles of one another. That and more beaches than you could possibly shake a stick at. Oh, and on the way home I saw a blimp.

I can’t wait to go back.